HOLY SHIT. I ordered a gram of the “research chemical” methoxphenidine (MXP) off the webz a couple of days ago and it arrived today. Being that it has the same mechanism of action as ketamine (NMDA antagonist), and that I had found some user reports, I guesstimated a dose of 200mg which I weighed on my microscale then gel-capped on a full stomach.
This was either VERY WRONG or VERY RIGHT depending which way you look at it.
I’m used to ketamine and it was not very similar to that at all — it was more like a psychedelic!
Okay, the disociative effects (fuck I can barely type, this is not like me at all) were the most obvious to begin with but around +2:30 it just turned into its own mind-bending trip. Nothing, nothing like anything I’ve ever had with ketamine. I am still absolutely fucked right now.
Reconnected with the universe, blah blah blah. Spontaneously invented my own form of yoga which corrected posture within seconds. Each pose got its own jungle name (this trip was VERY jungly) such as “bat” and “armadillo”.
I remembered that each “flavour” of emotional experience is equal as far as the experiencer is concerned. I saw these literally as the bands on liquorice allsorts (see pic). So fear is a blue band, love is a pink one, you zoom out and then dip into something else — it doesn’t care. It just moves between experiences like it’s nothing. It has no preference for any particular one.
I also remember being told to be nicer to gays, blacks and women (I’ve been reading a LOT of conservative blogs recently). It’s something to do with them being connected to the right brain or something.
I started exiting the trip and found just a single note I’d written (unusual for me). It said — are you ready for this?:
Be women to get women
Tilly, Molly, Chantelle and Lisa
Let’s see how that one plays out…
This “attack dose” is definitely not for the feint of heart. I am glad I did it but it was rough sailing for a while there. As I said, I had NO IDEA I would trip that hard from this.
Certainly not a virgin mission for rookies.
UPDATE: The Next Morning
Some additional info worth mentioning, I feel.
- When taken orally, significant effects take around 1:30 hours to kick in. Do not redose out of impatience!
- It is at first like being very drunk. Pleasantly tiring. Then standard anaesthetic/dissociative stuff. Very easy to sink into a hole. This can be pleasurable purely from a relaxation/no inputs perspective. It is very difficult to remember what went on during +1:30–2:30. The predominant emotion is “emptiness”. However, because it’s “numb” emptiness, it does not depress considerably. It’s introspective. But, yes, it can kind of feel like one has no soul.
- At +2:30 was when the more “trip” stuff kicked in. The universe opened up. This was when I started getting a lot of the stuff I recognized from my meditation work and previous trips (and more). All the “rules” started revealing themselves to me again. Lots of right-brain stuff from this point forward. Once again, the predominant emotion at this time is emptiness. I remember thinking, “I have a distinct lack of love and happiness in my life at the moment. I want more of that.” The interesting thing here is that I had to consciously invoke a state of love and happiness. This is not a “happy” drug so you have to induce the state if you want it. However, once it has been “welcomed in” to the trip, you can have it stay as long as you want. I took this to be a metaphor for life, and how we choose what we bring into it and what we entertain. So this could be a good exercise for learning to consciously bring happiness into your own experience, I feel. But the impermanence of that state also revealed itself to me as it would drift away naturally and cycle through the other stages of the Path of Insight. This led to equanimity with the whole cycle. That was when the liquorice allsorts concept revealed itself to me.
- +2:30–3:30, that whole hour was very time-dilated. It appeared to last a VERY long time. It also connected all the events of the past three days into one “blob” meaning it felt like I’d been on that cycle for three days (which I probably had been, unconsciously, since we’re always on some cycle). After this hour however, I felt more energetic and got up and did the yoga stuff. The drug is quite happy at this point forward.
- Because it’s an anaesthetic, muscles feel very free. What this did was to very elegantly highlight the remaining knots and scar tissue in my body from the computer misuse and injuries over the years. There are five main areas I need to stretch out — one in each leg, arm, and some around the pelvis. It gave me the tech to locate and stretch those areas out (it is VERY right-brainy, and autopilot — the right brain moves you as it wishes. It really is inhibited under left-brain tyranny in the normal waking state!). Those scar tissue areas also contained a lot of emotional anchors which revealed and resolved with the stretches. Experience is stored across the whole body in muscle tension patterns — not on a “hard disk” (the brain) like in the standard computer model of the mindbody most people are generally subscribed to, whether consciously or unconsciously.
- I’m not sure what dose I would recommend to newbies. This was obviously a mega-dose from my perspective, and I was completely blindsided by it. I would suggest something like 80mg for a first time. However, it’s hard to judge, since I got so much “good” out of being blindsided like that. There is definitely something extremely educational in having all control ripped away from you. I really don’t want anyone to get in any trouble, though — so be careful, and don’t blame me for any bad trips!
- Definitely educational if you are familiar with the Path of Insight. More info: Mastering the Core Teachings of the Buddha.