HOLY SHIT. I ordered a gram of the “research chemical” methoxphenidine (MXP) off the webz a couple of days ago and it arrived today. Being that it has the same mechanism of action as ketamine (NMDA antagonist), and that I had found some user reports, I guesstimated a dose of 200mg which I weighed on my microscale then gel-capped on a full stomach.

This was either VERY WRONG or VERY RIGHT depending which way you look at it.

I’m used to ketamine and it was not very similar to that at all — it was more like a psychedelic!

Okay, the disociative effects (fuck I can barely type, this is not like me at all) were the most obvious to begin with but around +2:30 it just turned into its own mind-bending trip. Nothing, nothing like anything I’ve ever had with ketamine. I am still absolutely fucked right now.

Reconnected with the universe, blah blah blah. Spontaneously invented my own form of yoga which corrected posture within seconds. Each pose got its own jungle name (this trip was VERY jungly) such as “bat” and “armadillo”.

I remembered that each “flavour” of emotional experience is equal as far as the experiencer is concerned. I saw these literally as the bands on liquorice allsorts (see pic). So fear is a blue band, love is a pink one, you zoom out and then dip into something else — it doesn’t care. It just moves between experiences like it’s nothing. It has no preference for any particular one.

I also remember being told to be nicer to gays, blacks and women (I’ve been reading a LOT of conservative blogs recently). It’s something to do with them being connected to the right brain or something.

I started exiting the trip and found just a single note I’d written (unusual for me). It said — are you ready for this?:

Be women to get women

Tilly, Molly, Chantelle and Lisa

Let’s see how that one plays out…

This “attack dose” is definitely not for the feint of heart. I am glad I did it but it was rough sailing for a while there. As I said, I had NO IDEA I would trip that hard from this.

Certainly not a virgin mission for rookies.

UPDATE: The Next Morning

Some additional info worth mentioning, I feel.

  • When taken orally, significant effects take around 1:30 hours to kick in. Do not redose out of impatience!
  • It is at first like being very drunk. Pleasantly tiring. Then standard anaesthetic/dissociative stuff. Very easy to sink into a hole. This can be pleasurable purely from a relaxation/no inputs perspective. It is very difficult to remember what went on during +1:30–2:30. The predominant emotion is “emptiness”. However, because it’s “numb” emptiness, it does not depress considerably. It’s introspective. But, yes, it can kind of feel like one has no soul.
  • At +2:30 was when the more “trip” stuff kicked in. The universe opened up. This was when I started getting a lot of the stuff I recognized from my meditation work and previous trips (and more). All the “rules” started revealing themselves to me again. Lots of right-brain stuff from this point forward. Once again, the predominant emotion at this time is emptiness. I remember thinking, “I have a distinct lack of love and happiness in my life at the moment. I want more of that.” The interesting thing here is that I had to consciously invoke a state of love and happiness. This is not a “happy” drug so you have to induce the state if you want it. However, once it has been “welcomed in” to the trip, you can have it stay as long as you want. I took this to be a metaphor for life, and how we choose what we bring into it and what we entertain. So this could be a good exercise for learning to consciously bring happiness into your own experience, I feel. But the impermanence of that state also revealed itself to me as it would drift away naturally and cycle through the other stages of the Path of Insight. This led to equanimity with the whole cycle. That was when the liquorice allsorts concept revealed itself to me.
  • +2:30–3:30, that whole hour was very time-dilated. It appeared to last a VERY long time. It also connected all the events of the past three days into one “blob” meaning it felt like I’d been on that cycle for three days (which I probably had been, unconsciously, since we’re always on some cycle). After this hour however, I felt more energetic and got up and did the yoga stuff. The drug is quite happy at this point forward.
  • Because it’s an anaesthetic, muscles feel very free. What this did was to very elegantly highlight the remaining knots and scar tissue in my body from the computer misuse and injuries over the years. There are five main areas I need to stretch out — one in each leg, arm, and some around the pelvis. It gave me the tech to locate and stretch those areas out (it is VERY right-brainy, and autopilot — the right brain moves you as it wishes. It really is inhibited under left-brain tyranny in the normal waking state!). Those scar tissue areas also contained a lot of emotional anchors which revealed and resolved with the stretches. Experience is stored across the whole body in muscle tension patterns — not on a “hard disk” (the brain) like in the standard computer model of the mindbody most people are generally subscribed to, whether consciously or unconsciously.
  • I’m not sure what dose I would recommend to newbies. This was obviously a mega-dose from my perspective, and I was completely blindsided by it. I would suggest something like 80mg for a first time. However, it’s hard to judge, since I got so much “good” out of being blindsided like that. There is definitely something extremely educational in having all control ripped away from you. I really don’t want anyone to get in any trouble, though — so be careful, and don’t blame me for any bad trips!
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19 Responses

  1. Illuminatus says:

    Oh shit, almost forgot — this has triggered a clearcut mania, post-trip. I haven’t had a mania for months, since my depression tech (last post).

  2. Vick says:

    added to my to do list along with Peyote
    Did you ever try salvia?

    • Illuminatus says:

      Nope 🙂

      Psychedelics I’ve tried are weed, shrooms, 5-MeO-DALT and LSA.

      Trips closely follow the Buddhist “Path of Insight” (it turns out everything is just a fractal of everything else) so I’m pretty comfortable even with the fear stuff now.

      • Vick says:

        Salvia gives a nice 10 minute trip followed by half an hour of a nice high, I didnt use any other psychedelics so I cant compare it to anything.

        I once tried a legal drug called “buzz”, I think I smoked too much and passed out, I then lost all memory of who or what I was and was a point\dot floating in empty space.
        “So this is how a boy dies” was a repeating thought, after that you’d think I’d stay away for psychedelics 😀

        • Illuminatus says:

          Vick, I read this last night whilst tripping absolute balls with a friend. Your message was a source of much mirth. I just kept saying, “Look, he’s emailed me from his trip — to our trip!! This stuff is spreading :)” Then I told him I thought that was marzipan. A lot of things were marzipan that night. It was my word for cool. And everything was made of candy.

          I’m still fucked now.

  3. Random fan says:

    Are you pro-gun, by any chance? Pretty fringe opinion in the UK reality-tunnel, I reckon.

    Also, are you familiar with Vadim Zeland? There is an audiobook of his on ThePlace.

    • Illuminatus says:

      “Are you pro-gun, by any chance? Pretty fringe opinion in the UK reality-tunnel, I reckon.”

      Generally yes, but I think it depends on the society. I find it difficult to imagine what would happen if today’s UK were suddenly allowed concealed carry permits, for example. There are just too many try-hard cuntbags in the UK. The UK has serious self-esteem issues. With the level of macho behaviour and violence on a typical night out currently, it would be hard to imagine throwing guns into the mix. You might find guys pulling out their Desert Eagle the same way they would show off about their iPhone 6.

      Yet in Switzerland every adult owns a machine gun and there is no gun crime.

      “Also, are you familiar with Vadim Zeland? There is an audiobook of his on ThePlace.”

      I started reading Reality Transurfing but never really got into it. He seems to be driving at the same sorts of things I’ve realized and am working towards anyway.

      • Random fan says:

        Listen to the audiobook. Even if you know the content, reinforcing that reality can’t hurt?

      • Random fan says:

        Interesting opinion on guns. Came to the same conclusion myself many years ago. Ie pro-guns makes sense, but at same time wary of my countrymen´s level of maturity. (Live in Sweden, where we actually have a quite high gun ownership but most of it hunting weapons).

  4. Lampa says:

    Alan Moore – Promethea

  5. Moviestar says:

    Everytime I come by here you are following my footsteps :). We have some spirit connection of some sort.
    Last month I did ayuhuasca which was quite an experience. I also spontaneously did yoga during the trip to the point where I’ve been adviced to stop (you better not do it on psychadelics cause you might hurt yourself). And I’ve been practicing yoga ever since, near daily.

    • Illuminatus says:

      Hiya 🙂 I just came back from my yoga first class.

      Do you have classes? I’ve got a question. That was the first class I’ve had in years (and before that, only a couple, spaced apart). Anyway so I accepted I was gonna be shit; that wasn’t too much of a problem (though still felt my ego boiling away with the knowledge that I sucked at something, and in front of people!). That aside, a few minutes into the class, I stopped being able to follow her instructions almost entirely. I literally stopped understanding words. I could hear sound; it just no longer pointed to anything. I literally had to start focusing really hard on each word, and make a visual image in my mind of what the fuck each word meant.

      Now, granted, these were new words (“turn your inner knee outward! open your groins! let the joint suck upwards!”) but I was surprised quite how much I lost my verbal faculty. It felt like being in shock, like after a fight, or getting terrible news, when you literally cannot think verbally. Just open, frightened, animal awareness.

      The end result is that I’m going to keep going and investigating this (and because the yoga serves several other specific purposes I have for it). I just wondered if you had any thoughts about what’s going on. My main thoughts are that I don’t spend enough time 1) In the “body space”, 2) With other people (especially new), 3) With other people vulnerably, 4) Learning new skills in different modalities, 5) Exploring things I suck at. 🙂 This should be good for me in many ways.

  6. Moviestar says:

    Same. I’ve done some classes years ago but I honestly find it distracting having a teacher. Maybe if it was a personal teacher it would be different. I just have a list of yoga postures and do them to the best of my abilities.

    My guess is number 1) and/or the yoga teacher plainly sucks. Find a better guru or do it yourself at your own pace.

    • Moviestar says:

      Or plow through it :). Might be a good learning experience.

    • Illuminatus says:

      I don’t think she’s very good to be honest. But it’s good enough for my purposes right now.

      What I like about lessons is that I HAVE to go (I intentionally paid for a block in advance since I knew I’d get tired of them quickly, which happened by lesson #3). Also, I don’t have to think about what to do next. She says to do it, I do it. I need rails like that in some areas of my life. I have “too much” freedom sometimes, what with being self-employed and what not.

      Last lesson I really really fucking hated it. I was in a rotten mood and really didn’t want to go. It dragged on and on, I couldn’t do anything, she wasn’t giving me enough individual attention and I almost felt like just quitting halfway through. I felt like a pouty little kid. So it was good to be a student again and exercise willpower and not quit. It was good that I didn’t quit, because at the end I made a new business contact. I then also experienced all the new looseness the following days. Even my old ankle injury is now stable enough that it no longer balloons from light exercise, so I might be able to phase back in some other types of exercise too.

      I do not enjoy yoga, and have never enjoyed any class I’ve been in. It is torture.

      However I am consistently getting tons and tons of benefit from every class, in multiple life areas.

      People ask me if I enjoyed my yoga class and I say, “No. I don’t enjoy yoga.” They then struggle to understand why I go. It’s quite hard to explain to people in our culture the benefits of any activity that does not directly pertain to pleasure. That was pretty interesting to observe.

  7. Moviestar says:

    Yeah so she’s bad but maybe you need that. I somewhat enjoy yoga alone. It’s a bit like meditating but using my body… think of “thoughts” and unreleased emotions as unstretched muscles and cramps. Now think how awful would that be if you had a “teacher” trying to teach you meditation realtime in a class full of people…

    Btw. I read this post again and it reminded me of this channeling material from L/L Research:
    (In general I find channeling transcripts to be an excellent compliment to psychadelic experiences)

    “You asked this evening concerning emotions. We find that among your people, emotions are often unappreciated and dishonored by those who would wish to live a spiritually oriented life. From our perspective, however, the emotions that you feel are gifts of enormous worth. Whereas the mind moves from thought to thought, generally governed by logic and the intellect, the heart moves from emotion to emotion, generally with no intellectual component whatsoever. For emotions are those gifts of the heart that stem from the very depths and roots of your consciousness.

    Thusly, when you are attempting to think about emotions, you are attempting to think about that which has its reality in time/space, for [emotions] come from your consciousness rather than your intellect or mentality. Each person has a different and unique mentality and personality. However, as members of the tribe of humankind on your planet in third density, you share one consciousness. Your jealousy and another’s jealousy has the same energy. Your love and another’s love of a certain frequency has the same energy. It is emotions rather than thoughts which unite your people.

    Now, in the roots of consciousness which this instrument calls the archetypal mind, the emotions can be mapped, much as the waterways of your continent can be mapped. There are rivers of emotions of various kinds, both those emotions you would call positive, such as joy, bliss and happiness, and emotions you would call negative, such as greed, gluttony and lust. Yet each emotion flows from its most distorted or extreme manifestation, through a succession of removals of distortion, until at last they all empty into the ocean that you would call the Logos or unconditional love or bliss.

    This instrument has been attempting to define emotions along some sort of a yardstick or ruler attempting to measure emotions by the ratio of love to fear, this instrument having posited that love and fear are the fundamental opposites of emotion. [1] And we would suggest that while there is an element of truth in this thought, that it attempts to corral and compress the 360 degrees of emotions into a two-dimensional, straight line. This attempt in itself is a distortion of the model, shall we say, which we might suggest to be more useful for thinking about emotions.

    In some ways, emotions can be perceived in terms of complementary colors. Those who wish to decorate their walls, for instance, will find a color wheel in which complementary colors are shown. And various contrasts are seen that are dynamic opposites. We find this wheel of color concept to be of use in talking about emotions.”


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