Fear in Megaland

(Note: Some place names, humans and facts have been changed for the lulz)

COVENTRY, England. A few days ago I began receiving messages from Absolutus (Part I, Part II). Absolutus is Illuminatus in the future, communicating with me from the next level in the Fractal. His name literally means: Absolute Illuminatus. Any questions you have concerning concentration meditation, please refer to those threads. I have a complete post about it coming soon.

I had stopped practising both concentration and insight meditation formally since growing disillusioned with Ingram following achieving First Path and it having not been the shits and whistles I thought it would be. After reading Absolutus’s tech, however, I immediately practised concentration meditation and, over the next two days, consecutively fell into the most intense non-drug jhanas I have ever experienced. We are talking full-on supra-LSD states whereby the tiniest microcosm of experience can be dissected to yield its truth. This level of concentration naturally segued into insight meditation and I instantly acquired a full-blown Arising & Passing Away — the extent to which I had not experienced before, especially since quitting “cycling” about eight months ago. I watched the sunset, turned away and, in the afterimage, saw rainbow LSD fractals without even trying (and despite not being on any drugs).

This naturally paved the way to a Dissolution, which brings us to yesterday, and another eight hours spent in jhana. For those who haven’t experienced such things, eight hours in a Dissolution is probably the most boring thing in the world. I literally just wanted to sleep. However, I reacquired the ability to “fade” my body which I had begun to experience during First Path — but now it seemed to be coming to me in some sort of triumphant perfection. I immediately quit myofascial unwinding when I realized I could simply “fade out” a body part and have it rematerialize healed. This sounds completely fucking nonsense, as most of this post will — I understand that. But I am talking about age-old nerve problems caused by excessive computer use and weird sleep positions immaculately phased back to normal in one thought-action. I will gladly submit to EEG or MRI testing to show this in real-time (as Absolutus himself does) — as I am as interested to see the results as anyone else is.

At this point I entered a full-blown Fear schedule, as regular as clockwork, as anyone who has read and/or practised Ingram will understand. I had arranged to meet friends at a curry house in town — the roughest part of town, where I used to live, actually — and began walking there, still “healing” old body parts. On the way was everything you would expect from a Fear cycle. At one point I saw some sixteen-year-old kid punching every wheelie bin in a row as hard as he could, each blow ringing in my ears as waves of sensations to the extent only perceivable by advanced insight meditation. “There’s another one!” he yelled, in a girl’s voice, smashing the bin over. Turning a corner, I saw a body being loaded into an ambulance, red and blue lights still flashing. Friends and family looked on, and I heard one say, “We never thought he would go like this”, as they removed the resuscitation devices from the corpse.

When practising insight meditation, the universe gets VERY subjective. For example, after just achieving First Path, when I was in my first serious post-Fruition Dissolution (the territory being just as hard during the first revisit as Ingram describes), I was practising with the rock band I was in at the time. Everyone was slightly off — out of time, or out of tune. It seemed like my hands just weren’t in phase with the piano or the music. At the exact moment I clocked what was happening and thought, this is Dissolution, the lead guitarist turned around and said, “Everyone just seems disillusioned right now.” Literally. At. The. Exact. Moment.

To see kids punching wheelie bins and bodies being loaded into trucks was par for the course in Fear. I have some bizarre stories from First Path, which I wrote on here and subsequently deleted (as they were racist and I panicked). Maybe if you prod me I’ll repost it. 😉 Unfortunately, the only treatment for insight meditation–induced Fear is… more insight meditation. The only way out is through. Since this seemed like my lot for the night, I was somewhat content to stay investigating the stream. I got to the restaurant and met the boys and ordered the curry, which literally took forever to arrive. Literally meaning, literally. Time ceased to exist. At this point, I decided to break Fear and go to first jhana just for a rest. At this moment, I found the exact point at which concentration and insight meditation converge. The “stream” of sensations can be turned into a jhana, and the jhana can be broken down into sensations, and there is a delicate point at which both are true. I literally saw this in my mind’s eye as particles in a stream, similar to neurotransmitters in a synapse or blood cells in a vein or whatever the hell this is supposed be at 0:05 in this video. The “vein” is the experience or jhana; the “particles” are the sensations. At this moment, you are completely in The Now™. Absolutus is absolutely right — concentration meditation always encompasses insight meditation if done for long enough, and insight meditation always becomes concentration meditation. I realized I had been practising insight meditation for the last ten years, ever since Dr Paul on David DeAngelo explained the concept of “observing ego”. At that moment, the Universe became aware of itself.

Finding this perfect balance between insight and jhana, I decided to break my several weeks of non-smoking and go to the shop next door for a celebratory cigarette. While smoking outside, a homeless black man approached and offered me a range of aftershaves he had just stolen from a Marks & Spencer in Birmingham. I asked if he had Issaye Miyake (Sport is the best aftershave ever) and he said, “Nah man, that’s the only one I don’t got!” I told him to walk on. However, he passed again and I asked what he had. I liked the look of two of them and asked him how much. He wanted £40, but I talked him down to £20 because when you’re in Fear you have to worry about money, even if you are profiting off a homeless man’s boldness. Here are the aftershaves I bought:


Now, I don’t know if they are real or if they are worth what he said, but apparently that’s about £160 of aftershave for £20. I’m not a socialist – I actually admit it when I’m stealing wealth from others. But to prison-shiv a faceless megacorp and give a hobo his burgled ride home was enough to give me a semi-on.

I went back in to pay for the meal with my friends and we divided up the bill. After paying our respective shares it was down to the last guy to pay the final balance. “How much is it?” he asked. “Ten twenty please, mate.” I took out my phone and showed everyone that the exact time was indeed 10:20pm. No one cared.

We went to the pub across the street, a horrible little shithole quite adequate for fulfilling the role of Fear. Boxing blared on the screens while some mouth-breather booted a football game machine that scores points for violence. Utterly bored by my companions’ interest in the boxing, I spied a fruit machine.

Gambling when you can do magick is a problem. The problem is that you want to continue doing magick long after you have spent all your magick. Using magick in the past I have pulled in huge wins, such as the following in a single spin:


I have then consistently gone on to lose everything (and more) over the next several hours, which are usually spent in Dissolution, since magick is most prominent during the Arising & Passing Away.

But, I was bored. So I walked over to the fruit machine. To do magick in Fear is not pleasant as you have to state-match the phase you’re in (Fear) before making the intention. To full-state-match Fear is pretty bogus in public, so I settled for a partial state-match and played, got on the superfeature immediately and took a £25 streak for just £5 in. I played some pool, saw every particle’s movement and path in advance (and was still shit), and then went on to another fruit machine. I got superfeature again, when some jackass came over and tweaked my collar. “What?” I asked, as any normal human would. He seemed as bewildered as me. He literally only meant to do me harm. I interpreted this as a nudge from the universe to continue experiencing Fear rather than deviating into magickal Arising & Passing, so I collected and left.

The next bar was a student haunt, in full swing due to the start of the new Freshers’ Week. I forgot how irritating eighteen-year-olds are. I haven’t seen people that irritating since I was that irritating. At this point I realized I had no neurotransmitters left to go into jhana to blank it all out as I normally would. Now, this is somewhat important, as I’ve been using jhana to effectively block out reality for quite some time now (without ever truly realizing it — the ego will convince you that it doesn’t exist). Jhana requires linking up sensations to form an artificial, coherent whole. You literally do this all the time when you construct reality anyway — that’s why you need to go to bed every night, to replenish, because a jhana is formed from consecutive neuronal discharge, which requires dopamine. When you are out of dopamine for frivolous use due to eight-hour jhanas in each of the previous two days, you are left with only insight meditation. And when the insight meditation sucks because you are surrounded by cunts and you are too depleted to want to bother, that only leaves — reality. It had been a long time since I had actually had to say, “Okay, let’s do reality.” I had to get to the bar. I was tempted to push in like the other eighteen-year-old shitbags, but decided that I am an Englishman and would impose my reality tunnel of making sure everybody got served in the right order no matter what. It generally feels good to impose your values on others, despite their inability to comprehend or appreciate them. I finally got served after bossing some people around, and ordered three double-vodka energies — to which I heard some knob remark, “Nice choice!” with a cocky wink. I glared him ice daggers which melted his hair where he stood. Adulthood. These people are worse than shit.

Still doing “reality”, I went and smoked in the garden. Two girls opened me with, “You can rest your drinks here if you like.” These kinds of invitations are actually playing out all the time, if you decide to notice them. I accepted the invitation and got the two other guys I was with involved. Both girls were doable, and the one that would become “mine” had some of the biggest tits I’ve ever seen. I’ve seen a lot of big tits. The biggest I’ve ever “had” were 38H. Now, you might imagine that they would be saggy at that size — and, believe me, that is usually the case. But these ones were perfectly round. They were also definitely real — ask my mouth. Or my knob. Such was their defiance of the laws of physics that I immediately emailed pictures to Professor Brian Cox at CERN, whenceforth he spent $36 billion of taxpayers’ money on pervy experiments to see if they were photoshopped, which they weren’t.

By the way, when I’m not slaving away at PPM for your benefit, I write trashy novels which have never been published. You’re seeing a bit of that now.

Naturally the conversation moved onto Jimmy Savile, and I told the two girls the following true story. I’ve met Jimmy Savile. My dad struck up a friendship with him back in the late Eighties / early Nineties, while he was in Stoke Mandeville hospital with a spinal injury. Stoke Mandeville was one of “Jimmy’s hospitals”, and he would regularly do the rounds meeting and greeting his guests. We didn’t know at the time that Sir Jimmy was also secretly stalking the morgues at night — but not many people did.

I met Jimmy Savile when I was four — and I have to say, he was a perfect gentleman. Now, I’m not saying he didn’t do what he did. I’m saying he didn’t do what he did to me.

My dad is very old-fashioned and, once he’s made his mind up about you, that’s you forever. Because he has only ever been friends with Jimmy Savile, in his mind Jimmy is a good guy. Dad takes us for a curry every Christmas, and one Christmas we were discussing the new revelations about Sir Jimmy as they unfolded. After mentioning each successive increase in the level of debauchery, my dad would say things like, “Well, the papers will print anything to sell copies.”

I said, “I’ve also heard he was doing dead bodies.”

“Well, the press will drag anyone’s name through the mud.”

Finally, I just said, “Dad – you sound like you think Jimmy Savile was innocent”. “He WAS innocent!” my father boomed, his fist slamming down on the table. And that was that.

The girls liked this story, and at this point I had Big Tits draped over me while one hand played with her bra, and the other girl was sat to my right with her hand on my thigh. We decided we were all moving on to the next bar together.

At this next place, things were winding down and it was about to close, so I realized I needed to make preparations for the next phase. I asked Tits to take a selfie of us both, which gave me the opportunity to whisper, “I’m going back to mine after this drink – are you coming?” while running my hand up her skirt underneath the table. “Yes!” she said. Not bad considering I was doing all this while in Fear. But the whole point of doing insight meditation is to realize that there is nothing to fear but Fear itself. That stupid phrase is actually true. The only purpose of any of these crazy models is just to keep you moving. Whether you subscribe to Eckhart Tolle’s “present moment”, or the Bible’s Golden Rule, you are ultimately following a program whose intent is to have you act in spite of yourself. What I like about Ingram’s model is that every human emotion that can possibly arise is catered for, with a simple repeatable process: See the sensations that make up every experience, and notice the impermanence in those sensations. It allows You to be You while the Other You does Other Things.

Now, here is where things get annoying. Usually after such an agreement is made with a woman, excuses are made and individuals depart in plausibly-deniable circumstances. She invited me outside for a cigarette and I thought such instances were about to happen. Instead, I saw her hesitate and decide we were going to go back inside to join our friends. Now, I have finally learned my lesson after all these years of trying to deprogram myself from Seduction Community nonsense that, sometimes, girls change their minds. Things happen. It’s not always my fault, and I can’t control every situation. As it stood, this was probably the least control I had ever attempted to exert over any situation, so things weren’t going that badly considering. She was only nineteen and some girls, especially younger ones, have confidence issues with having a one-night stand. I was just fine with how good, and weird, the night out had been.

We all decided to head to the Rum & Coke, which is the worst bar in England and the only one still open in this horrible town at 3am. “We” meaning “the others in the group” and me just not wanting to leave the night behind quite yet. Going to the Rum & Coke is always the worst choice. Everybody in the entire city all has the same idea, and from all walks of life descend upon this one place. Fights are completely common, and the entire venue is attended by the living, breathing scum of the Earth.

At this point some girl came forward shouting my name. I literally had no clue who she was, but she was using my real name and everything, which I never like. She also looked exactly like Kahlan Amnell from Legend of the Seeker, whom I have been wanking over solidly for the last two weeks:

Kahlan Amnell

She was wearing white and everything. She looked so much like her, that I actually got my phone out and googled Kahlan to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating. I showed other people the pictures. “Shit”, they said. At this point I asked her to confess me. I think this may have been what screwed it up. I am insane, I might point out. In any case, the atmosphere turned. I went and sat with Big Tits instead. She was talking to a beautiful blonde girl and what looked like the blonde’s boyfriend. I introduced myself and asked how they knew her. They said they didn’t and were just talking to random people. They then got into the Standard Questions™ and asked me how old I am. “Guess”, I said.

“23? 24?” said Blonde.

“I love you 🙂 “

“Haha. How old actually are you?”


“No way! You look so young!”

(I get this a lot. Koanic says everlasting youthfulness is due to Neanderthal genes — but Koanic says a lot of things.)

“I know. And do you want to know what my secret is?” I said.


“You’ll kick yourself…”

“What is it!”

“All I do is drain the life-force from children. It’s so simple.”


Big Tits made out with me at this point. Then she said she was sorry for not going home with me. “I just don’t know what I’m doing.” She gave me her number, then threw up on her shoes. Her friend took her home.

Having absolutely fucked it with Kahlan and every other decent girl in that bar, I decided to go home. “Okay mate, but we’re going to [local strip joint] the K-Hole”, my two buddies said. I wished them well.

I got home and saw a bush with apples growing on it. Full, ripe apples. This is completely impossible. Here is a picture of it:

Apple Bush

Now, I know those apples aren’t growing on that bush. I know what you’re thinking: The tree simply has some branches that have grown through the bush, giving the appearance that the hedge is the one bearing the fruit. Right? It’s all completely explainable, simple and logical. But when I go and explore it, I will literally be creating the reality for myself that explains what I see. I’m not going to investigate it. I prefer to see it as a cheeky glitch in the Matrix — a little nudge, for nothing but the fun.

I took the best apple and noticed it had maggot holes in both sides. I cut it open and found the maggots had not penetrated far, and had then left. I cut those bits out and ate the apple. It was crisp and tart, like what an apple would taste like if humans hadn’t Josef-Mengele’d it for the last few hundred years. I decided I could happily survive on that if the world ended tomorrow, and went to bed.

I woke up to a text from one of my buddies saying he stayed up all night doing coke with a stripper. I had LSD fractals in my eyes, despite not doing any drugs the night before.

“Hey buddy, you’re still tripping 🙂 “, the Universe said.

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64 Responses

  1. Illuminatus says:

    My brother once said to me, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you wrote all these things down as a kind of self-help guide, but then became famous for being an insane guy who thinks what he’s writing is true and doesn’t realize he’s mental.”

    Humour is one of the most powerful forms of magick. 😉

  2. Random fan says:

    I’d like to request that you write about threesomes, bisexual females, and overexertions. And lifestyle design.

    • Illuminatus says:

      I can deliver the first three, but not the latter. I mean, would you really want lifestyle advice from the sort of person who wrote this post? 😀

      • Illuminatus says:

        P.S. My lifestyle advice would be: get enlightened, ask questions later. Enlightenment, and even just the changes during the approach, changes the entire playing field. There is no point asking the question before enlightenment. E.g. last night showed me I can literally do anything I want, now. Literally anything. Every hurdle is there for a reason, you just jump over them.

        But if someone is scared of the hurdles, you can’t really advise them! Because they’re going to be on the wrong track whatever you tell them.

        That also applies to ignorance as well as fear: if you don’t know how to jump, that’s just as bad. It’s the same position.

  3. James says:

    “but decided that I am an Englishman and would impose my reality tunnel of making sure everybody got served in the right order no matter what.”


  4. James says:

    I live in Alabama, no one knows what “Et toi” means here either 😀

  5. Illuminatus says:

    I just found out those aftershaves are pure crap, and retail on eBay for like £4.99. Oh well.

    I haven’t even opened them yet. I might just throw them in the bin haha.

  6. James says:

    The path to enlightenment is filled with hobos and shitty aftershaves.

  7. Danny says:

    This is one of the best articles I have ever read. My face is hurting from laughter. I’m in a restaurant on a cruise ship dining alone and just laughed so hard everyone stopped talking and looked at me.

  8. Illuminatus says:

    I literally just installed a Like plugin just to like your comment 🙂

  9. Illuminatus says:

    I got enlightened today. Had an open-eyes fruition — reality turned into the toroid then “sucked through itself”. Never seen anything like it.

    I’m also omniscient right now, so, anyone, any questions, please ask away. I am completely serious.

    This is my official announcement of enlightenment.

  10. James says:

    And something a bit more specific, before I grab a taco is – What diet is best for concentration?

    • Illuminatus says:

      It seems to be SOMETHING to do with raw beans. Those are the weird images I get. Raw greens and things. Things with iron and nutrients in it.

      • Illuminatus says:

        I have a notepad around here somewhere in which I used to write all my notes in both left-brain and right-brain trances. I’ll try and find it and scan it in — the handwriting is literally completely different. In the right-brain trance once I felt hungry and let images splash across my visual field — then wrote down everything that appeared. I remember a few things from the list: raspberries, apricots, peanuts WITH skins (this seemed to be important)… I looked them all up the next day and they were ALL superfoods. E.g. peanuts with skins have both coenzyme Q10 and resveratrol, both currently enjoying crazes as refined “supplements”. I’ll try and find the damn notepad.

        Omniscience seems to have worn off. It’s a tight window that follows fruition for at most a few hours. Most of it is “implicit knowledge” which loses meaning when turned into words anyway. E.g. I know how DNA works and it’s “fractal this, fractal that”. Most of the time I’m aware I’m literally creating the knowledge as I’m thinking it, the same way particle physicists LITERALLY create the particles they’re looking for. That’s not a metaphor for something “spiritual”, either — they literally THINK particles into existence. What do they think is at the end of that rainbow, anyway? Surely it can be nothing other than MORE PARTICLES. “Okay, we’ve found that one, now what is THAT made of?” The thought stream is literally only searching for particles, so only finds them, and only posits them as the basis of reality. Why can’t they see how completely pointless and Sisyphean that task is? ENTIRELY pointless, except for the point of highlighting the nature of pointlessness, which in itself is valid if I’m feeling forgiving that day.

  11. Illuminatus says:

    I miss Facebook. This would be the moment when I would announce to everyone that I’m off to wank over Kelly Preston. I’ve just seen her in Twins, and, let me tell you — that is one sweet slice of arsehole.

    • Danny says:

      I know of no other man whose first act post enlightenment would be to announce to his readership he’s off to knock one out to Kelly Preston.
      Congratulations! 🙂

  12. Vick says:

    If I decide to die, do I have to come back here again?

  13. Vick says:

    I was actually hoping for a real answer, so if you get one next time you’re in that state please share it

    • Blink says:

      Only if you, without any regret or judgement, decide you don’t want to play anymore. But not because it’s not fun or because you don’t like it but because you think you’ve seen all this game offers and can finally let go.

      • Vick says:

        Honestly I just don’t like it.
        I’m not even depressed but if things will stay the same I feel like it’s not worth staying as most of my waking hours I’m doing things I hate/dislike/ barley tolerate and couldn’t really change it for the last couple of years.

        But you’re saying it’s ultimately my choice, and I won’t be forced to come back if I really don’t want to.

        Different sources say different things and at the moment it’s impossible for me to check for myself.

      • Illuminatus says:

        I’m not in “that state” any more but what Blink said is basically true.

        The first issue is “decide to die”: I’ve pondered this question literally dozens of times. I’ve never attempted suicide but I’ve been depressed enough to consider it that many times. I think if you are able to commit suicide, then you have decided you have had enough. I honestly won’t fault anyone for doing it. That doesn’t mean I would not be without compassion for their family etc. but I think sometimes there are too many “formations” for that individual to overcome. Formations could be bad genes, bad upbringing, disability, other forms of conditioning allowing one to be unable to cope etc. Distortions in fascia are one physical manifestation of “formation”.

        All in all though, I think it’s pretty hard to decide to die until the body itself is that degraded.

        “Do I have to come back here again?”

        You won’t have to come back as “Vick”. I honestly don’t know what happens after you die, but my best idea is that it will be like waking up from a dream in another “self”. I had a dream last night that was so real, where I was not “me”, that it was best described as an alternative reality. Yet, at the start of the dream, I still had memories of being Edd. Those memories gradually faded. By the end of the dream, I was completely in the new reality. Then I woke up. It reminded me of what perhaps a schizophrenic or someone who embarks upon LONG delusions might go through. I think all these “things” are reality. I remember tripping several times and suddenly realizing that the previous three days or so all linked up in terms of dreams, “reality”, and my imagination: in other words they formed one long continuum. At that point it began to feel like I’d been tripping a really long time and time itself had no real meaning.

        You are immortal though. I think you could put yourself to nothingness if you wanted but that is probably not something “Vick” can decide. On more than one trip I have become the Universe itself wrestling with that very decision: https://www.personalpowermeditation.com/the-universe/

        But loneliness is just one state of infinite the universe can come up with. Since realizing that, and then choosing to integrate feelings of loneliness via insight meditation, I broke through that limitation and came up with infinite realities for me to explore. It’s far, far more meant to be that way.

        In other words, if you’re really bummed out right now, just remember that that is just one of infinite possible states you can experience — and that it is just up to your imagination as to what you experience next. If you can imagine it, you can experience it.

        • Illuminatus says:

          BTW it was two things mainly that helped my smash that loneliness mould:

          1) James saying in this comment that he had never felt alone during trips: https://www.personalpowermeditation.com/mailbag-insight-meditation-breath-meditation-shinzen-young-and-daniel-ingram-critique/#comment-44868
          I then talked to him on email and read some of his trip reports. I view life itself as a trip — albeit a highly persistent, objectived one — so talking about trips and talking about life are synonymous to me. I’ve seen enough weirdness to corroborate that life itself is indeed a trip.

          2) Read Absolutus’s posts, mentioned in the first paragraph of this post, where he talked about concentration meditation being the real daddy for increase the power of the mind and thus the imagination. As soon as I read that, I started practising concentration meditation, got the “more pleasure than drugs” thing going and remembered that I can make this whole thing whatever I want. Then the imagination started. Then the chain of events playing out in this post started to happen, which have been the most interesting things to happen to me for a while. It’s all linked. Imagination makes things unfold towards those imaginings. I also just turned £200 into £1000 online gambling with what I call a “golden jhana”. That was cool. 😀 I often make up little games (and big ones) to unfold, and that’s what being the Universe is all about.

          So, imagination. Be imaginitive. Watch fantasy things and see your life more like that. Legend of the Seeker is silly and fun. The alternative is more of the same, so those are your options.


  14. Vick says:

    If I ever do decide to do it I’ll make it look like an accident and make my best efforts to make sure that my family will be taken care of financially.
    Honestly compared to most of the population my life isnt that bad, I’m fine physically except the fatigue I experience most of the day (and it only bothers me when I try to meditate and dose off), and some messed up fascia around my shoulders.
    The biggest thing that bothers me is being a slave wage, I just feel it draining my energy and I can seem to escape it. And if that’s all there is to this life, spending most of my waking hours slaving away and other obligations I dont really see a reason to keep going just for the sake of surviving.

    Maybe your dream was a memory of a past\future life and you still had the awareness of being Edd.

    I read quit a bit about the subject and most of it seems to go like this: You die, your astral body leaves the physical and you still see the physical plane, then you transition to the astral plane and stick around until your astral body dies, at that point your mental body goes on to the mental plane where regain the memory of who you really are, realizing it was just a game like you played many times.
    But some sources say you have no choice but to incarnate until you’re “done”, while others say it’s completely up to you to decide.

    So when I die I’m 99% sure I’ll just leave my body like I did a few times with my astral projection experiments.
    The thing I want to know is if I really have the choice to do whatever I want, maybe go to a different planet or universe altogether where life will be more to my liking.

    I dont think loneliness is an issue as I have a few friends and most of the time I actually prefer to be by myself.

    I didnt end up buying the lsd you posted about because I’m scared to take it by myself, maybe I should reconsider, it might shed some light on life.

    I read a few of his posts and I have been doing concentration meditation for a few months now, it’s a bit hard with being exhausted and all but I had some results like the time I emailed you about the jhana. Most of the time I’m able to enter at least a pleasant state where I feel pretty good.

    I tried the visualization thing and evocation of spirits even to help with manifesting money, I actually got a new job where I make a bit more but its not worth all the time and energy I’m wasting on it.

    I hope I can reach that “golden jhana” and make a few casinos go bankrupt haha.

    I watch fantasy, kind of, when I’m too tired to meditate or do anything else I just watch Japaneses anime, fantasy worlds, super powers, super advanced virtual reality.. I feel like a little kid lol.

    Anyway, my life is probably better than most of the worlds population, and it’s comfortable even. I realize I look like a whiny bitch who doesnt want to work for a living but this is how I feel, I’m in my 20’s and if I’ll have to slave away for a living till my 70’s I honestly would rather just end it.
    I cant understand people who work 40-60 hours a week, just for those couple hours a day they get to themselves.

    So I’m probably not going to do it tomorrow, but it’ll always be in the back of my mind.

    • sevens! says:

      You should certainly take acid. Whether it be by yourself, or with others, you will take something from it. “Bad” trips are mostly due to shallow breathing. If you really can’t take it, Niacin will abort an LSD trip.

  15. Vick says:

    I might not have a choice in the end if I’m to believe vault-co, with the grand minimum and world war 3 and all.

    Also it seems like I’m not a thal, looks wise, but I did have social issue all my life, it got a bit better in the last few years. and depression which I put mostly under control thanks to your posts in the past.
    Also I’m not that smart, maybe a bit above average which doesnt mean much, maybe I’m just a broken sap lol

  16. Vick says:

    And I realize it won’t be Vick who will be deciding, but maybe if I will it hard enough my “higher self” will take it into consideration, I’m not even sure how it will work, when you realize who you really are.

    • Blink says:

      Vick, I’ve been where you’re at. None of this made sense, nothing was pleasurable. And I was sure I’d be happy to die. But when I almost did, I had many regrets. Especially about the fact that I was depressed, lazy and unmotivated, that I was not what I thought I ought to be. So I couldn’t let go. Now, I’m doing my best to be who I want to be. Because the idea of that person makes me content. That person will end the game 🙂
      Take lsd, it won’t harm you 🙂 wish you well.

      • Blink says:

        PS I enjoy Japanese anime and fictional stuff, too. Have for many many years now.

        • Vick says:

          Yeah I’m lazy as hell, nothing seems like its worth doing except meditation, magickal and physical training, and those are really hard, for me at least.
          I’ll try the LSD and San Pedro and see what happens.

          Anime FTW, it’s the only TV I watch at the moment.

  17. James says:

    Well, before you off yourself – Go to Ebay and order some San Pedro. Cut it up, blend it, boil it with lemon juice and vinegar.

    Boil the solids again, and strain.

    Boil down to what you can handle drinking, and drink it with some vodka.

    Find a quite place to sit, shut the fuck up, and accept the lessons which are on there way.

    • Illuminatus says:

      ^^^ Do that. Also, buy and take the LSD. Due to government/societal propaganda, people who haven’t taken LSD don’t realize that the experience is mostly extremely pleasurable. It is some of the most intense rushing you will ever experience. It also gives “free jhanas” (1-8) plus “free Arising & Passing”. Of course, it helps if you have somewhere close to the attainments already in order to help you actually benefit from those “pushing over the edge” skills boosts.

      Here’s my golden jhana:

      During meditation, do you ever get the sensation of energy rising up you? Focus on where it’s rising and try and let it rise up SLOWLY as high as it can, letting it follow its own path (it will turn and things on its way up, but will always go up). When it reaches your eye-level it may seem to stop – this is because we are so used to our eyes being “us” that the nerves around there are kind of wired quite solid. However, with continued focus (actually it’s kind of more like relaxing that area) you can let it pass the eyes. Then you need to let it pass into the crown, the highest part of your head (this is also quite hard but continue just trying to let it pass up). This will probably make you crazy blissful. For me, it makes the light turn gold.

    • Blink says:

      I second this.

    • Vick says:

      I’ll try both, got nothing to lose anyway. I tried salvia before so I kind of know what to expect.
      I think I’ll need a prepaid visa card for the lsd, those websites selling them look fishy and a lot of them have scam complaints.
      If you can email me a good vendor I would appreciate it a lot.

      Thanks for the suggestions guys!

  18. sevens! says:

    I thoroughly enjoyed reading this post. And can I kiss your ass a bit? I love the website. I stumbled upon it a few years back, when I would sit in the dark in front of my computer compulsively Googling to figure out what was “wrong” with me. But now, I know there’s nothing wrong with me. Sometime this summer, my central nervous system told me that I am OK here, and everywhere. I am beaming with optimism. I practice equanimity with all and never get sick. Numerous people have confided in me that my presence calms and motivates them. What do I chalk it all up to? Sunlight, meditation, neo-Reichian therapy, drugs, occupying an occult headspace, etc.

    Right now, I am trying to get rid of my Self. “I” must go, and just be. I think that to be is to let go without fear. I’m not afraid to make mistakes and learn from them. I have no consistent source of income, and yet, I still have my apartment and my car. Everything just always sorts itself out for me. People and things just appear in my life when they’re needed. And in that, I believe I have progressed far in my meditation practice. Life is chaotic, and I’m smiling like the Buddha.

    I admittedly got too deep into concentration, to the point where I was alienating others. But, as I mentioned earlier, something clicked. Action and tension are necessary in getting the work done.

    Today is the autumnal equinox. I just realized this an hour ago. Earlier I drew the eye in the triangle in my notebook. I shaded the right side black, and left the left side white, and stared at it for a while. I walked the city in a peaceful, lone-wolf state. Just walking around freely and sensing and feeling. It was a very self-contemplative day. I meditated for hours.

    I welcome autumn and its changes. One more thing that needs changing is my sexual imprint. I want lots of women.

  19. Vick says:

    So… I took the 1p lsd, 2 blotters which now seem like way too much.

    I’m still disoriented, at first it was fun with the colors and sounds feeling and tasting so damn good.

    Then reality started falling apart along with me trying to grasp onto something, i vaguely remember but I think there were many times I felt like a woke up from a dream only to realize that “me” was fake.. endless loops of that. I came to a point where I really didnt know who I was, which “me” to grasp to.

    A few times I opened my eye trying to grasp on reality but “isnt it how its supposed to be” and “let it go” just came as thoughts and I barley remember what happened, and cant really put into words the fragments I do.

    I do remember the loneliness you mentioned, felt completely alone in a dream world playing hide and seek with myself.

    Sounds had a huge effect on everything, and made reality shake so I had to put earplugs.

    I remember a few points where I “This is how nightmares begin”, thoughts were literally things in space, and space was thoughts.

    Anyway I hope I can remember more stuff, hopefully I havent gone insane and I try smaller dose next time haha.

    • Vick says:

      I just remember at one point trying to grasp onto something I thought OK I took lsd, what was the point of this whole thing, then I remembered I wanted a more magickal and happy reality, but is it even real and which one is mine

    • Beatitudinous says:

      these dosage concerns aren’t an issue on real acid, or LSD-25 as it was once classified. analogues are much more unstable as molecules, and much more unstable as teachers. the mental states they induce are more difficult to navigate and produce undesirable body loads and weird distortions (reality “shaking”).

      Real LSD is pure light. There is a reason why it hasn’t really waned in popularity or respect for all these years. If you ever want to find it, google “LSD Avengers” and find your way from there.

  20. James says:

    Vick I’ve also experienced that dosing too high on psychodelics leaves me more confused.. I perfer smaller doses currently.

    • Vick says:

      I just wanted to see what will happen, there’s no way I can meditate in that condition.

      What dose do you recommend for meditation?

      I think I’ll try 100 or even 50 next time.

  21. Beatitudinous says:

    Hey Illuminatus, trolling this and other month old posts right now because I haven’t kept up with you in a while. Just a few months ago, you corresponded with me a bit here https://www.personalpowermeditation.com/jhanaic-drugs/#comment-32473

    Giving everybody some big shot LSD advice now, I see! 8)

  22. Jon Doe says:

    So Illuminatus is the same person as Absolutus posting on Reddit? I was under the impression Absolutus was American

  23. zzzz says:

    “This level of concentration naturally segued into insight meditation and I instantly acquired a full-blown Arising & Passing Away — the extent to which I had not experienced before, especially since quitting “cycling” about eight months ago.”

    I’m interested in what you say about “quitting” the cycles post-First Path. The impression I got from DharmaOverground is that that’s not an option, that once you hit Stream Entry you’re going to cycle no matter what you do. So has your experience been that quitting jhanas and insight meditation for a while caused the cycles to stop?

    • Illuminatus says:

      I stopped feeding the cycles with insight meditation. There is something like 50% “actually there”, 50% “you’re creating it by looking at it / expecting it” (and this rule seems to apply to all perception here in the material world) — so insight meditation is itself partly responsible for creating the perceptions of cycling. So after some months of “not looking at it”, cycling was sidelined. If I did jhana though I would be pulled toward insight cycles quickly (and this still happens).

      Daniel Ingram says he eliminated cycling by doing Actual Freedom method (a.k.a. Actualism). It might be in here but I haven’t read it for a while: http://integrateddaniel.info/my-experiments-in-actualism/

      Currently I’m trying to figure out the body side of “cycling” — e.g. fascia seems to move around the body in correlation with the different stages. There is a particular “clump” that seems to gather in the chest area for Misery. When this moves on slightly it gives that cold clear “relief” breath sensation you get after crying. I think insight meditation, even though it is watching, say, the breath, actually stimulates certain nerves in the body which has fascia move around and either blocks or clears certain nerve pathways (and nerve pathways create the mental states associated with the stages and the jhanas). So I am “hybridizing” in energy work, but I think the divisions between all these types of work are arbitrary anyway and there is no separation.

      • zzzz says:

        So you were able to suppress cycling by inclining away from insight meditation. Were you still playing with the jhanas? You say that if you did jhanas you were “pulled toward insight cycles,” but did that result in full-blown cycling or something more attenuated?

        • Illuminatus says:

          “Suppress” is the wrong word. It’s more to do with just not looking at them. I believe insight practice itself partially fuels the cycles.

          “Were you still playing with the jhanas? You say that if you did jhanas you were “pulled toward insight cycles,” but did that result in full-blown cycling or something more attenuated?”

          A jhana would quickly pull me back into whatever stage of the cycle I was currently in. However, by staying with the object I was able to push through to Equanimity. So jhanas and stages of insight kind of converge at this point.

          Did you check out Daniel Ingram’s stuff on Actualism? He says at some point, “I much prefer happy and harmless Daniel to cycling Daniel” (this is a heavily paraphrased quote based on yet another paraphrased quote from here: https://www.personalpowermeditation.com/mailbag-insight-meditation-breath-meditation-shinzen-young-and-daniel-ingram-critique/ )

          • Illuminatus says:

            Ultimately, having tried a great many approaches, I have been most consistently happy in life when doing pure concentration practice for a set period each day then not particularly worrying about it for the rest of the day.

            • zzzz says:

              I have read the thing on Actualism, yeah. Have you tried it?

              Basically, since ramping up the MCTB stuff for the last couple weeks I’ve had rapid (almost too rapid) progress. I can’t quite diagnose where I am–I have very noticeable walking-around perceptual changes / weakened sense of self, etc. I don’t recall any particular cessations but I suspect I may be getting some at night as a I fall asleep (could be wrong about that of course). I do seem to have much easier access to the jhanas than I did a month ago, though I don’t know that I’ve ever gotten into a really “hard” one.

              Anyway, all this is kind of anxiety inducing, and it feels like I spend a lot of time in re-observation (so maybe I’m pre-path and just bouncing back and forth between re-observation and equanimity).

              Overall though I’m becoming disenchanted with the MCTB approach. Before I started all this I was emotionally stable and pretty comfortable, whereas now I feel emotionally all over the place.

              Insights into reality are cool and all (and freeing), but I wouldn’t say I’m happier as a result of any of this.

              • Illuminatus says:

                “I have read the thing on Actualism, yeah. Have you tried it?”

                Yes. I found it was basically the same as Shinzen Young’s tech of observing everything with mindfulness and equanimity — except, instead, choosing to be happy about it! I am a student of Shinzen Young first and foremost so was already mindful literally all my waking hours. Deciding to be happy about the moment, as per Actualism (I believe this is the main point; it’s been a while since I read it) was an easy addition to make and worked very well. It was not long before I could just lie on the floor and be completely content. This went on for about 2 weeks. I had Ingram’s “Actualism Dark Night” as reported on his site whereby work deadlines and in fact time itself just started to disappear. My sleep schedule took on a life of its own — bed at 12 midnight, awake at 4:30am, playing around on computer, another nap till 8am, and so forth. Sometimes I’d just sleep in the afternoon. Sometimes I’d stay up two days in a row. I was self-employed at the time so didn’t care.

                I got sidetracked from Actualism and I can’t remember exactly why but it was probably largely due to fear. I felt my old “structured” self disappearing.

                “Basically, since ramping up the MCTB stuff for the last couple weeks I’ve had rapid (almost too rapid) progress. I can’t quite diagnose where I am–I have very noticeable walking-around perceptual changes / weakened sense of self, etc.”

                I had that and continue to. I will sometimes suddenly have the impression of being hollow.

                “I don’t recall any particular cessations but I suspect I may be getting some at night as a I fall asleep (could be wrong about that of course).”

                Yeah I remember some profound experiences while falling asleep, several times. It was like the sense of self was dissipating and I appeared to reach some point where it was about to disappear entirely which results in me jolting and the sense of self reforming with a vigour.

                On the other hand (!) — in the morning, having been asleep in the night, I would wake up for a few minutes then lie back down. As I drifted off I would feel the sense of self dismantle a layer at a time and it was far easier to let it go all the way down to cessation. I consider this as Fruition and would wake up a moment later with my mind extremely powerful with going back to sleep the last thing on my mind.

                “I do seem to have much easier access to the jhanas than I did a month ago, though I don’t know that I’ve ever gotten into a really “hard” one.”

                Try the method from my latest post, Official Concentration Meditation.

                “Anyway, all this is kind of anxiety inducing, and it feels like I spend a lot of time in re-observation (so maybe I’m pre-path and just bouncing back and forth between re-observation and equanimity).”

                I have found the whole Ingram system to be anxiety-inducing with a severe sense of tension between “me” and what it is I am observing. There is some horrible sense of urgency in it all.

                This is exactly the reason I stopped bothering. Yes, the states you can finally get to are amazing, but a) they take a lot of painful work and b) they are temporary. If we have to cycle through myriad unpleasant states to get to a momentary, say, equanimity, or the post-fruition high, we can hardly be said to be enlightened now, can we?

                Personally I’m just trying to have some fun with things now and make up my own methods.

  24. James says:

    When I go to sleep currently, and I decide to turn my thoughts of, I get jolted easy. Its like, right in the pit of my stomach, makes me paranoid to sleep to times.

    I listen to this on meditation guy ,AjahnBrahm. His thing was just sitting comfortably, and just being the observer, not concentrating, just watching. I found that can work really well and often leads to a comfortable meditation.

    Sadhguru is similiar in some ways, worth a listen if you haven’t heard him before.

  1. September 21, 2015

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