Featured Post: ‘Choosing a long term partner’ — by RyanH

Original thread: http://www.personalpowermeditation.com/forum/social-dynamics/choosing-a-long-term-partner/

RyanH is an interesting guy to read simply because of how much he has changed since starting to write on Personal Power Meditation. He is someone dedicated to discovering the way the world works experientially, and is always updating his ideas and worldview in response to those experiences.

The following post by RyanH is in reply to Bliss, who had asked advice from the board on criteria they would look for in selecting a girl for a long-term relationship — or if indeed there is any circumstance where a long-term relationship is required or even desired. RyanH, like myself and many on the board, has had enough experience with women over the last couple of years to be able to draw his own conclusions about the mating game — in particular, seeing the socially conditioned belief systems we are installed with by default, and challenging their rules, in order to create a new belief system which better serves his own happiness in life. This is what Personal Power Meditation is all about — seeing ‘The Matrix’ for what it is: a series of imposed rules not of our own creation, and challenging those rules where they are seen, through experience, to be untrue or simply unhelpful in manifesting long-term happiness.


I’ve had FBs (fuck buddies) for my last few relationships.  It’s like having a girlfriend except there’s no drama.

I’ve changed my entire “goal” for my sex life.  I used to think about monogamy and whether a girl was the right one for me.  I was falling in love and thinking about long-term partnership.  Now it’s like, I want to be with my FB and she wants to be with me, so we get together.  We’re friends, we have fun, we have great sex, we’re honest with one another, and we literally never argue.  My last 3 relationships have been like this.

But like I said, my goal has changed.  I’m now aiming for playerdom and not monogamy.  A monogamy guy is satisfied when he’s with his girl, and unsatisfied when he’s not.  Me, I don’t care any more.  I like the girls but I don’t need them to be happy.  That doesn’t mean that they don’t make me happy — they do — but it’s not because of them, it’s because they’re girls.

Anyway I still don’t have a lot of “choice”; I’m still just ending up with random girls.  I have a couple of girls in my phone who I slept with, but I’m not attracted to them enough to keep seeing them.  I know they both want to date me.  I guess that counts as “choice”!  I also know a few girls who, if they lived less than 30 min from me, I would have pursued as more than one-time things.

So, my 3 FB relationships have ended up as “girlfriends” but without the drama.  With no unnatural “you’re the one for me, I’ll love you forever!” stuff going on, there’s no unnatural “you’re not the one for me, I’ll hate you forever!” stuff.

The other day I was in bed with my FB and just kept repeating in my head “I love this girl, she’s gonna have my babies”, which got me really hard and energetic…  But I have zero neediness for her.  In fact, the reason I’m not needy is because my goal is NOT to keep her.  It’s actually to MOVE ON from her…  I’m on the hunt for new girls, whether she wants to be with me or not.

This is the “never settle” attitude which seems necessary for being a man.  Always work to improve your job.  Always work to improve your health.  Always work to improve your love life…  Go after what you want.  It’s an eternal hunt.  Happiness isn’t found by getting that job and getting lazy, or getting that girl and settling down, or getting that body then eating ice cream.  Happiness is in the hunt…
Grin Roll Eyes Cool Cheesy Wink Tongue Smiley

Of course, my opinions might change in a few decades…  When I think about settling down, I think about this guy I read about on RSD nation, the father of a poster there.  The father supposedly slept with 1000+ women and eventually got married.  He called his wife “the jewel in my crown”, and never had anything resembling a midlife crisis.  [I’ve been meaning to make a post about all the “naturals” I’ve read about…]

So to recap:  You have the goal of settling down with a girl.  I’m suggesting you just charge full steam ahead with trying to fuck as many as possible, and when you get lonely, bored, or horny, call the best girl you know…  (More likely, she’ll call you, and entice you into getting together.)


Analysis by Illuminatus

I’ve had FBs (fuck buddies) for my last few relationships.  It’s like having a girlfriend except there’s no drama.

I’ve changed my entire “goal” for my sex life.  I used to think about monogamy and whether a girl was the right one for me.  I was falling in love and thinking about long-term partnership.  Now it’s like, I want to be with my FB and she wants to be with me, so we get together.  We’re friends, we have fun, we have great sex, we’re honest with one another, and we literally never argue.  My last 3 relationships have been like this.

I can fully appreciate RyanH’s newfound views on sexual relationships. We are societally conditioned from birth to seek “true love” — “the one”, your “soul mate”. And then to enter into a fully monogamous relationship with that person, “till death do us part”, and to “live happily ever after”. We are lambasted with this mating frame from all social media, from the very earliest days of our lives — from Disney films onwards. I won’t go too much into the source of this frame, but a major clue is religion. Most of the major religions of our time forbid sex before marriage, and prize celibacy and monogamy as the two virtuous choices for our sex lives. This message is strong and pervades all our culture in powerful, invisible ways.

Unfortunately, it neglects to cater for a few inconvenient truths about human mating dynamics:

  • Humans generally want a variety of sexual partners on a deep instinctive level. That’s just good genetic strategy. Even the most monogamous people around will generally still have fantasies or sexual thoughts about others at some time during their monogamous relationships. This is simply a paler manifestation of this drive.
  • Relationships do not necessarily serve the same functions for both the man and the woman. For men, a relationship is predominantly centred around providing him with sexual release. For women, the relationship is predominantly about feeling looked-after and secure. Men and women do seek both of these functions in a relationship, but a man is generally more preoccupied with the sex, whereas the woman is generally more focused on the security. The reason for this is simple: a woman is only reproductively viable during a short period once a month, whereas a man is sexually viable every day, all year round. Men and women’s sex drives reflect this point: a man’s testosterone level, which is a key hormone in raising sexual motivation, is generally higher and a lot more stable all year round, whereas women’s testosterone levels peak during her ovulation period and die down after menstruation. The unfortunate outcome of these differences in focus is often that men will choose to stay in monogamous relationships out of fear that they will lose their sexual release should it end. This can lead to very controlling and jealous behaviours from the man, as his sexual drive is consistently strong throughout the year — and most men are complete slaves to it. The woman on the other hand will primarily fear a loss of security, either material or emotional, should the relationship end. This can also lead to controlling behaviours and jealousy.

The result of these truths is that men and women’s needs within the relationship won’t always align, and strife will eventually ensue when misalignments occur.

RyanH, in these paragraphs above, seems to have found a solution: dissolve the prizing of monogamy as a philosophical relic, and instead choose to communicate with the opposite sex when needs align at that time. What he’s saying, in my opinion, is that it’s perfectly okay for two people to get together when their needs align, then go their separate ways when those needs no longer align, whether that be on the micro-scale (parting ways for a few days or weeks after sex and/or spending some intimate time with one another) or on the macro-scale (ending relationships when they’re no longer right for both parties). No vows, no promises, no “till death do us part”. Simply a response to needs as they arise, with no strings attached. I couldn’t agree more with this sentiment, and this has come from my own personal witnessing of monogamy as a flawed system.

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