How to Be Attractive to Women

Last night I went to see Bohemian Rhapsody (which is exactly what you think it’s going to be). Afterwards I had a few beers in a bar, which I hardly ever do any more. One of my buddies was kind of gawping at the young women walking past, like men do. Then he said something like, “I just have no idea when a woman is interested in me. And every time I’ve ever had a girlfriend, I met her through singing in musical theatre.” This led to me giving an impromptu sermon of thoughts as they came into my head, some of which I thought were good enough to write down.

So, this is a list of the things that cause women to be attracted to men. These “attraction factors” are written in roughly the order of influence, with the strongest factor written first. There is, however, cross-pollination between the factors (e.g. developing competencies tends to lead to more wealth which raises a man on the power hierarchy as well as on the competence hierarchy).

I have marked points that men typically get utterly wrong in blue. The reason for the misapprehension tends to be that those points are completely counter-intuitive to the male way of viewing the world. Take note, because without them you won’t get a fucking thing.

1. The Power Hierarchy

Hopefully you already know that women are attracted to powerful men – with “power” here being defined as having people do what you want. This is also known as a dominance display. Dominance behaviours can either be done directly to the woman (via non-compliance) or telegraphed to her by doing them to other people or being seen as the leader of a group.

Some typical ways to be higher up in the power hierarchy are as follows:

  • Being physically larger and stronger.
  • Behaving aggressively or antisocially (which is only effective as far as people are willing to tolerate you).
  • Being the leader of a group, company or organization.
  • Gaining political power.

I don’t feel like going into the evolutionary psychology of why women like powerful men, as it’s a fairly tedious subject once you get the general idea. It boils down to something like “greater access to resources”, though.

Since most of you aren’t going to become a CEO, talent agent, high priest or wife-beater, you need a simple way to display dominance that won’t land you in jail. The most straightforward method (which anyone can do) is non-compliance, which is probably one of the most misunderstood concepts amongst regular men.

Non-compliance involves intentionally failing to comply with a woman’s requests or her ideas about how you should behave.

Non-compliance can also mean minor violations of social norms to show that you play by your own rules.

Anything related to confidence, outcome independence, and what is broadly known as “game” falls within the remit of the power hierarchy. The range of behaviours that fall into this category is so broad as to be almost exhausting, but I will list some common and easy examples you can begin implementing right away. The first is that, if she asks you to buy her a drink, you say no. It doesn’t really matter how you say it. All that matters is that you deny her request. Your default answer to any of her requests should be “no”.

The exceptions to this rule are her requests which will actually help you to attract her, or get you closer to sex. So, if she asks you to dance, and you are a competent dancer, of course you should dance with her (and be sexual with your dancing as much as you can be). If she requests sex from you, obviously you should say yes (assuming that is what you want).

I would suggest that this rule can be rewritten: Do the opposite of what a “gentleman” would do. If she asks you to light her cigarette, light your own then just put the lighter down on the table. (I don’t smoke any more, and smoking is for idiots. It does however make meeting women rather easy.)

Another seriously good use of non-compliance is humour used in the right way. This is another area where men screw up: they use humour, but in the wrong way.

To use humour correctly, the joke must be non-compliant with her ideas about what men should and shouldn’t talk about. For example, last night a woman asked me what I thought of Bohemian Rhapsody and I said I thought it was all right but I’d have liked to have seen more of Freddie being slowly worn down by the AIDS, ending with his withered corpse being fed into an incinerator. Then I just let that sit there. After a moment of tension, she burst out laughing then agreed. She agreed! If you say something arguably insane, then she agrees, she is attracted to you and is demonstrating that by complying with your worldview, even if that worldview is intentionally twisted and mental. It is not your job to be compliant with the ideas of how society thinks you should behave. Rather, you should do the opposite then have her come to comply with you.

The way guys usually screw this up is as follows. They don’t understand that the moment of tension is everything. It is the willingness to inject tension into a situation that conveys non-compliance and dominance. Regular guys tend to do everything in their power to avoid making the woman feel uncomfortable. They do everything they think she wants. This achieves the literal opposite result of what they are hoping for. And they make “safe” jokes which carry no risk, or they self-efface which is even worse. Never do this. If a joke doesn’t have the potential to destroy the entire interaction, then it is not a good joke. That is the risk you must be willing to take in order to climb the power hierarchy through humour. In short, it shows balls. To pull this off, you are also required to commit to the joke. You have to say it then wait with a deadpan face, and never break the tension by laughing first. Wait for her to laugh to break the tension – that’s her job.

There is plenty of scope for this to blow up in your face, especially when first figuring out where the lines are really drawn. And obviously you’re not going to be telling jokes this dangerous in the workplace. But this is the kind of cavalier risk-taking that women, for some reason, find intoxicating.

The gist of non-compliance is therefore that you should do very minor antisocial behaviours to convey that you can – i.e. that you are the one who gives yourself permission over what you are allowed to do, not her. It establishes your dominant position on the power hierarchy.

Another example from last night is that a girl asked me what I think of her. This is quite common when you send confusing signals like “not kissing her ass” – she doesn’t know where she stands with you, and this burns a hole in her. I told her: “I think you’re quite stupid. [Pause!!] But you’re also very cute, if that takes the edge off it.” After some horrified moment, she admitted that she is quite stupid, but being told she’s cute does take the edge off it. Then she asked me to join her and her friends. I said “maybe later” then left, because she actually was too stupid for me (though I didn’t verbalize this last part, since I’m not needlessly cruel and the job had already been done).

Without the pause, highlighted in blue, this would not have worked. You need to risk destroying everything, and brutal honesty is a very effective way of doing that. I said something no other guy would have said to her (because she is very hot and they are trying desperately to get into her pants) and then she agreed with me. That is what attraction actually looks like. If she complies with you, she is attracted; it is as simple as that. To have her comply, you will need to be non-compliant in the first place. I will add at this point that approaching itself is non-compliant because it disregards her existing situation in favour of the situation you desire. Approaching is therefore attractive to women.

I think the main reason non-compliance is so difficult for regular guys to grasp is that it is simply the opposite of how their mothers told them to be. I have seen guys who have read endless materials explaining non-compliance (whether it be Mystery’s “negs” or David DeAngelo’s “cocky and playful” or one of the thousand other iterations of the concept) and they still don’t understand it, and certainly don’t practise it even if they do. This is a shame because non-compliance is probably the easiest way to create attraction (and, yes, it does create attraction out of thin air).

Blackdragon has the best post I’ve ever read on non-compliance and it is worth a read after you finish up here: http://blackdragonblog.com/2016/12/01/men-dont-understand-female-attraction/

This is the reality that, in a sexual or romantic relationship, the more you comply with a woman’s demands, desires, parameters, and rules, the lower her attraction for you becomes over time.

[…]

Gently saying no to a woman’s demand actually makes them more attracted to you, or at least maintains the current level of attraction they have. Saying yes to all of their demands reduces attraction.

Crazy, I know, but that’s how this works.

2. General Good Looks

The power hierarchy outranks good looks for the following reasons:

  • Ugly but powerful men can still get hot women.
  • The best looking guy in the world still has to play the non-compliance game, even if it’s only at 1% the level everyone else has to play it at, or he’ll come across as completely docile and asexual and he won’t get anything. Non-compliance is therefore a sine qua non for female attraction.

While those two examples cover the extremes, Average Joe will have to do his best in both areas. So let’s talk about looks.

Despite feminists’ claims to the contrary, there are general things men find attractive in women – a kind of “Platonic ideal” to which we compare women physically – which doesn’t change with the times, and which is NOT a “social construct”. These general items are health and fertility markers and include things like:

  • Youth
  • Long shiny hair
  • Being thin
  • A certain hips/waist/tits ratio
  • Firm breasts and buttocks
  • Clear skin
  • Good posture
  • Facial symmetry

Yada yada, you get the gist. I don’t know what order to rank those in, since they all seem pretty rad. The equivalent list in men however DOES get ranked, and I perceive it being something like this:

  1. Being tall. It just seems to outrank everything else, looks-wise, in my experience.
  2. Not being fat. Fat is the difference between an ugly man and a handsome man. Do the Snake Diet if you’re fat.
  3. Facial symmetry.
  4. Facial hair. The difference in female attention since growing a beard is quite staggering, actually. I once got opened with, “Ooh. You’re very beardy.” What an absolutely crazy fucking thing to say!
  5. Handsome features, which are defined in a woman’s mind according to the current position of her ovulation cycle:
    • If she is ovulating, she will be attracted to high-testosterone “rugged” features in men: large body, square jaw, facial hair, body hair, larger nose etc.
    • If she is not ovulating, she will prefer more feminine-looking men: slender body, “prettier” face, less body hair etc.
    • Since women on the birth control pill don’t ovulate, the standard for male good looks has flattened out to some gay Hollywood ideal of a blow-dried manicured eye-liner-wearing cream puff (Russell Brand, Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom etc.). If you’re a slender guy you may want to capitalize on this trend by dressing like a fag.
    • In all cases however, women seem to prefer facial hair over clean-shaven – in other words, if you can grow a decent beard, you absolutely should, and if you go on a date you should have stubble at the minimum. If you have a real baby face however, and your facial hair grows thin and sparse, you are better off clean-shaving.
  6. Being muscular or at least toned.
  7. Good posture, movement, and not being afraid to take up space. (Difficult to know where to rank this one.)
  8. A good mood radiating through your face. (And this.)

In this category you are largely stuck with what you’re born with. The two most actionable things are losing weight and growing facial hair, which can both do astounding things for how attractive women find you.

Some additional instructions related to this category would be:

  • Don’t stink.
  • Don’t dress like a mentally retarded person.

3. Female Preselection

EDIT: Unbelievably, I missed this section from the original issue of the post – so here it is, wedged in at roughly the correct place.

Back when I was writing under “Corvette”, I had a series of posts called “Corvette’s Rules” detailing the most important points for picking up women. A quick Google search reveals that all these posts are now lost, and the only rule I remember is in fact Rule #1:

The easiest way to get a woman interested in you sexually is to make out with another woman in front of her.

Today I would rewrite this rule as follows, in order to remove the juvenile delinquent connotations of a club-going youth:

The quickest way to get a woman interested in you sexually is to display to her that other women are already interested in you sexually (done optimally via a physical example).

So, it is not necessary that you go around sticking your tongue down random girls’ throats – just having their attention firmly pointed at you is usually enough to spark interest from surrounding women. Being seen as “taken” is another way to achieve this.

This is another one of those rules that is very difficult for most men to understand, because it is literally the opposite of how THEY would react if the tables were turned. If you saw a woman making out with another guy, it would probably turn your stomach and you would immediately demote her a couple of points, especially if it appeared they had only just met. However, when a woman sees that other women are interested in you, your sexual attractiveness shoots up immediately in their eyes. It does not matter if this is achieved via gross signals like making out with another woman, or subtle signals like making a group of woman laugh using correct humour – the result is the same. Your sexual attractiveness goes up.

On a sexual level, women do not care if you’ve just had your tongue in another woman’s mouth. They might moan about it morally, but sexually they will be more attracted to you. It is just one of these innate biological drives.

This rule is hardly new. I believe it was Mystery who first began calling it “female preselection”. I felt the need to codify it in my own set of rules however after experiencing its power firsthand in a couple of incidents which left it undeniable in my mind.

In the first, I had met a girl in a bar by challenging her to a game of pool. After the game we made out a bit and she gave me her number. However, this number proved to be a dead-end, with her only sending a text in order to get another text (a common pattern). I gave up on her quite quickly. However, a couple of weeks later I was chatting up another girl in that same bar, and could see the first girl over in the corner with her friends. Positioning us where I knew we would be seen, I starting making out with the second girl, then left the bar with her. In the taxi on the way to the second girl’s house, my phone suddenly blew up with texts from the first girl asking, “Who was that you were talking to?” followed by “Do you want to meet up?” I said “No, I’m busy,” and then she started calling me trying to get me to come back. Insane. The next night she drunk-dialled me asking to meet up but I was already in bed by that point.

The second story was even more ridiculous. I had met a girl at a club, kissed her and taken her number (due to something legitimately getting in the way of me taking her home). The lead had since gone dead. However, a few weeks later I saw her out at the same club while I was there with a female friend. Since I really fancied the girl, I asked my female friend for a favour: make out with me where she can see us, which she did, with some bewildered amusement. I then went and stood at the bar on my own, and felt a tug on my sleeve. There was the first girl, smiling at me. “Who’s that?” she asked. “Is she your girlfriend?” I replied, “Oh, no, that’s just whatever, you know?” Sooner or later I was making out with her too, and took her home, and she became my fuck-buddy for a couple of months. Then, to cap it all off, the female friend decided she was jealous and I started sleeping with her too! That was a good year.

Man, I sound like a real douchebag in these stories. But the purpose of this post is not to teach moral perfection, but rather to illustrate how the world of boys and girls is – especially when you’re young, deluded, sex-crazed morons, which most people seem to remain long into adulthood.

I place this factor as #3 in the ranking of “how to be attractive to women”. I suspect it is actually at #1 in terms of absolute power. However, it usually requires a modicum of power and/or looks to be preselected by women in the first place, so I have to place it third for reasons of utility. Hiring an escort to hang around with you probably won’t work as I suspect women can smell BS.

4. Genetic Matching

I struggled to rank this because it is rather vague. What I’m getting at in this category however is that there is sometimes a profound mutual attraction between two people which isn’t adequately explained by the other categories. I think this is probably caused by genes identifying each other on some level. For example, there is assortative mating, where animals favour mates who are most genetically similar to themselves. This is largely evaluated via visual characteristics. A good example is how similar John Lennon and Yoko Ono look to one another. Lennon was certainly in a position where he could have almost any woman he wanted, but he chose one who is not classically attractive but happens to look very similar to himself. This is the kind of thing I’m talking about in this category. Another example might be a guy choosing a woman who looks a bit like his mother (often unbeknownst to him).

Assortative mating?

Anyway, the point is that occasionally there is a woman who is strongly into you seemingly for no reason. So, if you’re a seven in looks, but a woman is responding to you as though you are some manifestation of Apollo, there is probably some genetic jiggery-pokery taking place. This is completely beyond your control but is worth looking out for regardless.

I think this is fairly well understood on an intuitive level. Many people however would deny this category exists.

5. Subtyping

This is where you dress in a certain way and adopt the views and behaviours of a target group – e.g. goths, chavs, hipsters, moneyed fuckers, media types, artists and whatever else – in order to get girls of that type. It is well understood that a goth girl will most likely end up going home with a goth guy, a chav will end up getting another chav pregnant, and so forth. We’re wired to seek “our kind”.

All the various fashion advice fits into this category. Sleazy has the best guides on subtyping – I think Minimal Game covers it: http://blog.aaronsleazy.com/index.php/books/

For information, the only subtyping I’ve ever done is “smarmy intellectual” and “religious cult leader”, the latter being successful beyond prediction since women are so into “woo”.

6. The Competence Hierarchy

I have no idea where to rank this category. I was originally going to put it second place. Then I thought that a good-looking guy can probably easily wreck a seven with a good singing voice. Then I thought a great singer can still easily pull, but would a chav girl really go home with a goth guy however good his singing voice? Probably not. So it’s ended up here, though it could be higher, really.

The gist of the competence hierarchy is that demonstrating a skill makes you more attractive to women. I know this because I do karaoke semi-regularly (I can sing) and a woman always approaches me afterwards to tell me it was good. So, if it’s causing women to open you, it must be attractive, since attraction literally means the coming together of two objects.

Not all skills are equal. No one cares if you’re good at video games. (Well, gamer girls might, but do they actually exist? And if they do exist, are they good-looking? I suspect not.) Playing piano is probably my best one, and I used to have a video on my phone to show women (and you would be amazed at the number of ways a conversation can be “steered” to that outcome without it looking completely contrived). Public performance, e.g. singing well in front of people, is really good because most people are terrified of it, so it shows big hard balls and you therefore get a leg-up on the power hierarchy, too. If you can cross-pollinate categories in this way, you are golden.

The message for this category is that you should be good at at least one or two things and find opportunities to demonstrate them, preferably in public (though a private piano show is obviously an effective precursor to sex). You should not be humble about your talents.


I think that’s just about covered everything you can do to make yourself attractive to women. An honourable mention might go out to “demonstrating you’re a good father” but since I have no experience of that I’ll leave it out. If you think of anything else you’d like me to talk about, just ask in the comments.

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39 Responses

  1. Buddhazero says:

    I have noticed if I do a lot of concentration meditation. Then go about my day I seem to be able to pick up woman easily in fact they even initiate sometimes. Is this jus placebo or have you had similar expierences.

    • Illuminatus says:

      It is not a placebo; it definitely happens and is quite widely reported amongst meditators.

      • FirstTimeCommenter says:

        I can relate to this slightly. When I started Yoga Nidra like 6 week ago – I was gradually dropping my Do Nothing Meditation, since it for some reasons made my angry as fuck right after the session (maybe it just heightened my energy and I could not deal with this energy gain?) – I made a few interesting experiences:

        Since my PUA attempts from nine to seven years back, I have made it a habit to look every (younger) women I meet/walk by on the streets, the supermarket, the gym. etc (i.e. the public in general) in the eye and to not look away first. It’s gotten kind of an OCD thing now. I can’t help it. I basically always “win” this game (hurray, for me I guess, LOL). In the first two weeks after I started Yoga Nidra, I would have quite a few women smile at me, even greeting me in a friendly way. Some of them were much younger than me. I’m in my early thirties, I guess they where in there early to mid twenties and most of them were really cute. This basically never happened before.

        A week ago, I was walking past a pretty (lets say) 20 year old girl and I was again playing my stare down game. She gave me the biggest smile ever and I was thinking about chatting her up, but I chickened out like a bitch. I have received quite little positive feedback from women during my life (maybe I am just too clueless and dense to notice it or I’m not attractive enough for them to be non-ambiguous about it, dem plausible deniability practicing stone-faced gatekeeping bitchez 😉 and basically none in “cold approach” settings like the streets. So now I don’t know how to act on it =P

        And I have to admit I lack the balls to act on it. My (somewhat) traumatic failures and piled up rejections caused by this goddam PUA-BS I adhered to probably still haunt me to this day.

      • Am Ahmad says:

        I noticed this also, but I don’t do concentration meditation, more Do Nothing and AWA. I rarely get initiated though, but women are more easily attracted to me. Why do you think this is?

  2. Arpan says:

    Slightly unrelated to this, but related to attraction/affection in general: Have you ever tried magick to make people like you ? Not madly in love with you, or sexually attracted to you, but having good feelings while being in your vicinity ?
    This is something I have tried at certain times, and it seems to produce a warm, affectionate, non-feverish kind of attraction towards me in a group of people. I directed it to everyone, irrespective of gender, in a small area around me, but most definitive response seems to come from females.

    “Non-compliance involves intentionally failing to comply with a woman’s requests or her ideas about how you should behave.

    Non-compliance can also mean minor violations of social norms to show that you play by your own rules.”

    I often turn down requests from people(mostly happen to be girls, as it is usually them who put forth untimely, irrational demands/requests) in platonic/professional scenario and this does seem to impact my relation with them positively. I used to advise certain betas to not suck up too much to their girlfriends, and “do what they actually want”. They usually respond in this vein: “oh but that is what I feel like doing, that is why I am doing it.”. I know, that going after someone for days to make amends for something one never did is not what any person could possible really want. But I guess it takes some inner clarity to disengage with confused mixture of desire and emotion on the surface. So intentional non compliance may be more handy.

    • Arpan says:

      To clarify, I am not talking about directing Love to people, but to extend the self centered intention:” I am likable”.
      I got this in my head, from one incidence, in which a fellow jail inmate of Sri Aurobindo, during the freedom struggle, always got the best facilities and lenient treatment from jail authorities, as he made them like him, after a brief concentration.

    • Illuminatus says:

      I confess I completely forgot to write about meditation’s effects on attraction in this post. That was due to the thoughts originally being delivered to non-meditators. I will add some now.

      Back when I was actually going out to meet women for sex (the last time being 4.5 years ago) my attitude was “all or nothing”, meaning I would do my thing – the kind of edgy humour displayed in this post – go at them hard, and they either loved it or told me to fuck off. I think the method is somewhat designed to elicit a fast response in either direction so as not to waste my time. The reality however was that I had a sinister tone at times – meaning I actually meant what I was saying on some level. This meant that certain women could feel very “looked down upon” if I actually thought of them that way because it was shining through. Some women with low self-esteem would actually respond well to that since it confirmed their existing worldview. Those were the worst actually because there would be a roller coaster where they would love me one minute, hate me the next. Other women would quickly tell me to fuck off. Then there were many whom I actually did not look down upon, so that feeling would not be an issue since it would not manifest. Those relationships were superior.

      In general I certainly felt at times that I was steamrolling women with my personality because I could, and I rather enjoyed it. I only found out years later that I was actually viewed as very confident and uncompromising – and, by many, “a twat”. I did not feel those things about myself so I had a strange mismatch between my own perceptions of myself and other people’s perceptions of me. This was probably one reason for my long break from it all – to put certain things back together and get some consistency between inner and outer worlds.

      Now, over the last several months, I have been practising metta – a LOT. It is nothing short of alchemy – the closest thing we have to actual magick for transforming your own personality and relationships. It has become a habit now by which when I’m meeting up with people I’m saying in my head “I love this person” in a loving-kindness compassionate way and, yes, it has a powerful smoothing and warming effect on relations. It is possible to “warm up a room” using intent, for sure. There is an internal warmth present now I only ever knew on MDMA before this. The result is that I can actually be a lot edgier, and a lot funnier, because it is CLEAR that I do not really mean what I say, because I have bright eyes and am full of love. In other words, you can get away with a lot more, and be a lot more likeable, when your intention is genuinely for everyone to have a good time – and when you “neg” a woman, to actually love them in your heart (not in a needy way, but because you love everyone already). I haven’t tested whether this path leads to actual sex so I won’t make that claim. My suspicion however is that it can lead wherever you want it to lead.

      • Arpan says:

        I have a similar issue about giving a false impression about what I am feeling about them, when facing someone: I start feeling that way in actuality.
        So projecting something mean really spoils my internal atmosphere. Also, somewhat similar to what you describe, people around me invariably have a better view of me then I have of myself. They feel comfort, secure and calm in my presence, while I myself might be somewhat anxious.
        Metta/love, works for me exactly the way you describe , in solving such issues.

        Thank you for your response!

      • FirstTimeCommenter says:

        “Now, over the last several months, I have been practising metta – a LOT. It is nothing short of alchemy – the closest thing we have to actual magick for transforming your own personality and relationships.”

        “My suspicion however is that it can lead wherever you want it to lead.”

        This sounds promising. If I could love myself, I’d be golden. I can imagine that a sufficient amount of (healthy, non-ego-reinforcing) self-love would amount in an excess of love that could than flow into my surrounding and my fellow humans.
        Right now I don’t feel that good about myself (has been worse) and resent most of the people I meet and know, which is of course a recipe for persistent misery and depression. I might even have a (for the time being rather weak) death wish dwelling within my unconscious.

        Is there a real danger of becoming a gullible sucker when in this metta state? Or is there an intrinsic wisdom to the metta state, which will prevent you from making poor decisions and being abused?

        As far as I understood it, metta is a subset of concentration mediation? I read both your posts on rose tinted metta and on concentration (good reads, by the way). I gave your metta practice a try once and I think, I felt some love and happiness for a few minutes or just moments. But I am doubtful, that I might “succeed” with it anytime soon, because of my ADD. Could you (at the top of your head) think of a dumbed down version for someone like me to get started? Or do I just have to “hang in there”?

        Do you think stimulating my vagus nerve via acupuncture etc. might help me in regard to concentration and Jhana?

        • James says:

          why do you think being loveable will make you a gullible sucker? You’re already a gullible sucker, might as well feel loved and loving while you at it.

          • FirstTimeCommenter says:

            Good point, James. LOL.

            But to actually split a bit of hair, I was refering to the intense metta states Illuminatus described in his blog post (also I did not make this clear, unfortunately). Those experiences sounded a bit like an MDMA-trip (he even drew parallels to his methoxphenidine trip) so I was wondering if they go along with impaired judgment etc. (I’m probably too much of a noob to worry about this as of yet anyway, and should first get to the point, where I experience somewhat stable metta while meditating…)

            • Arpan says:

              Re Impaired judgement:
              I had a similar fear, which prevented me from getting into any sort of serious metta practice. The idea that finally pulled me in was: Meditating on the the love/light/divine/golden buddha(whatever works for you) in the heart of all creatures/creation. Thus I extend my full metta towards anyone, but never lose sight of the individual quirks/’reality’ of the situation. I have done the normal metta too, I don’t feel any lack of intensity in my current method compared to the normal one, while still reinforcing the wisdom/knowledge aspect.

              Though from experience I can say, that any good quality you meditate on, has infinite potential to develop. Everything is a fractal. You can limit yourself to what you, at your level consider metta and just experience deeper intensities(though your perception of what exactly is metta would for sure widen as you delve in it). Or you can choose to consciously not just deepen but widen its domain too. This can turn out to be the best method to gain an integrally perfect persona. Eg. you can extend love/joy to artistic works, then to more left brained challenging tasks like math problems/coding and then to more far off pursuits like martial arts(it can be taken as a beautiful art, with gorgeous movements, thrilling expression of indomitable force).
              Anyway, this was for sake of completeness.

        • Illuminatus says:

          With metta, everyone around you changes and becomes nice.

          I understand your question because, back when I had serious anxiety, I would see videos of Buddhist monks walking through busy cities with big smiles on their faces and think, “How are they not worried they’ll be mugged or assaulted?!” Ultimately, being mugged or assaulted was on MY mind, but it was not a concern for them.

          You will be fine if you practise metta and you won’t be taken advantage of. If you have ever taken MDMA, think of all the reckless things you end up doing on that drug, and no harm ever came to you.

          It’s either because people are receptive to the positive energy, or because they are mirrors of your state, or even because there is no “them” — they are just projections of you, who is everything. Depends where your views are on the duality–nonduality spectrum.

          Regarding getting started with metta:

          – Guys think they need jhana (in other words: some seriously impressive altered state of consciousness) to be successful with meditation. This of course all came from Absolutus’s AMA (and my helping by throwing fuel on the fire afterwards with my magick posts etc.). Meditations are difficult when you’re a beginner and jhana is highly unlikely. However, it still WORKS. In fact, “early gains” are quite prominent when first starting out. So abandon the idea that it is “jhana or nothing”. In fact, abandon jhana entirely. Seriously.

          – My metta meditations are probably quite like yours at times. So there are days when I don’t really feel like “loving” someone. That’s kind of the point, though. If someone has pissed you off, of COURSE you don’t want to love them. The meditation is like going against your own grain. All meditation is like that to some degree. You just stick at it and do your best. Ultimately you have to force yourself to love people you don’t want to in the moment. But that’s why the Buddhist instructions are to start with someone you do like in order to grow the feeling.

          – Just chip away at it. Do 15 or 30 minutes of metta every day, and see if your relationships improve. Loving others is the same as loving yourself, I have found. Track results in a journal so you have it in black and white.

          Re ADD, I wonder if the Snake Diet might reduce symptoms? Plenty of foods affect dopamine levels.

          • FirstTimeCommenter says:

            Well, thanks very much for your kind and detailed replies, gents!
            Much appreciated! (I should integrate you guys into my metta practice! 😉

            I would love to chat a bit longer with you, but the next work week is already calling and it is going to be quite a bitch. So for the time being…cheers and have a great week!

  3. Pat says:

    I just saw Bohemian Rhapsody this evening, and as I was watching it, I was wondering if you had seen it (since it involves music and English people.) Once I read the part about non-compliant humor, I thought “like a Freddy Mercury/AIDS joke.

    In another weird coincidence, the day after I read your Snake Diet post, I was informed by a rambling psych patient (I currently work in a hospital) that the best way to lose weight is to eat one meal in the evening and drink water with salt mixed into it.
    mixed into it during the day.

  4. FirstTimeCommenter says:

    Another gem!

    Just out of interest/curiosity: May I ask you how you would rate yourself (or have been rated) on the famous 0 to 10 scale?
    But I guess (from what you have written) looks did not play the major role in your success anyway.

    What is your “laycount” (roughly), by the way? (Hope this is not too personal.)

    On a rather unrelated note: Do you think it would be a smarter and more efficient approach for the average man to get into lucid dreaming and astral projection in order to get his sexual desires fulfilled than to try to get it on with the ladies on waking-life planet earth? (Or to hang in there with hookers etc. until virtual/augmented reality and/or sexrobots become a thing?)

    Which of your sexual encounters stuck out the most: the one in this realm (so to speak) or the ones during your lucid dreams and astral projections? Or does it depend on the concrete encounter?

    • Illuminatus says:

      >Just out of interest/curiosity: May I ask you how you would rate yourself (or have been rated) on the famous 0 to 10 scale?

      I give myself a 7. If I am someone’s “type” however this can go up to 8, 9 or even 10 (I have been called “perfection” more than once, which in my mind is clearly not true, but it was apparently true for them at that moment). This occasional overrating was the reason for “3. Genetic Matching” in the above post. Being “someone’s type” can give an almost inexplicable boost to your rating.

      > What is your “laycount” (roughly), by the way? (Hope this is not too personal.)

      Depends how you count it. Dick-in-vagina is 18, but if you add in all the blowjobs, other weird sexual acts and near-misses due to being too drunk to get hard (i.e. trying to put toothpaste back in the tube) then it’s more like 25. I think if a woman is completely willing, naked in bed, and you just fuck it up at the last minute due to some minor problem with your dick then you should probably get half a point for that.

      It’s not a high count, but of the 10 years I was in “pickup” for, around 8 of those were spent in monogamous relationships. So the polygamy aspect was never really on my radar. I’ve never thought it was too high or too low. The first guy I was learning from, “Retard Wing” (if you remember him) was on 40-50 lays without ever knowing a thing about “pickup”. Going out and sticking your dick in everything that moves seems pretty straightforward if you’re dumb and good looking. The girls I was getting by the end of it however were far better looking than his were. He really didn’t give a fuck.

      >On a rather unrelated note: Do you think it would be a smarter and more efficient approach for the average man to get into lucid dreaming and astral projection in order to get his sexual desires fulfilled than to try to get it on with the ladies on waking-life planet earth?

      No. Look. You want to have sex with real women to see what it’s all about, so do it. “Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law.”

      Lucid dreaming or jhana sex is nothing really like real sex. It doesn’t have the ups and downs. There are no broken condoms or other points of tension.
      Mind-made sex is like a Platonic ideal. It feels 100% glowing, but that’s because the pleasure is coming from the jhana/dream/altered state. So if there was just a jhana on some other object and it created 100% pleasure then that would be the same (the sex theme becoming somewhat irrelevant). A similar thing is taking drugs in lucid dreams. It feels amazing, but it’s not really the same as taking them in real life because real life has all the risk and mess that goes with it.

      Having said all that, I combine jhana and dreaming regularly (e.g. several times per week) because there is no better start to the day than having some sex dream or believing I’m on some golden tropical beach for half an hour. The “high” stays with me all day. But I don’t confuse that with “getting my sexual needs met” or actually travelling. If you want to do those things, then actually do them. BTW, I couldn’t really care less about “getting needs met” because they seem to be illusory. E.g. if I can starve myself for 2 days without ill effects when ordinary people would expect themselves to be passing out, then we can see that “needs” are somewhat overestimated.

      >Which of your sexual encounters stuck out the most: the one in this realm (so to speak) or the ones during your lucid dreams and astral projections?

      Definitely the real-life ones. And specifically the ones where something completely unexpected happened. The first time I had anal sex is a gem but I’m saving that story for both my sex guide and another book later (those sections are already written up in both products).

      One of the biggest thrills from actual sex is the RISK involved. A dream cannot replicate the sudden rushing fear upon the realization the condom broke, or that you just gushed inside a 17-year-old because she asked you to and your lizard brain had you in lock-down. To get that rush – the excitement of doing something potentially dangerous – you have to forget you’re the infinite omnipotent universe and believe you’re a human and that risk is waiting for you.

      • Arpan says:

        >the sex theme becoming somewhat irrelevant
        Won’t a sex-theme cause a real emission ? Like in a wet dream ?

        • Illuminatus says:

          >Won’t a sex-theme cause a real emission ? Like in a wet dream ?

          No. Initially lucid dreaming did cause me wet dreams but once I lost my virginity then mastered my sexual energies within the following months I never had a wet dream or any kind of involuntary orgasm again.

          So it seems that mastering sexual energy once means you are “done” thereafter, whether it’s dreaming or real life.

          • Illuminatus says:

            P.S. Mastering sexual energy is exactly what my sex guide is about.

            • Arpan says:

              Okay. I know what you mean by mastering sex energy here, but I am asking this from point of view of celibate yogis:
              I have talked to certain fairly advanced kundalini guy(who dropped any sort of sexual activity once he took up yoga, hence calling him celibate) and read about experiences of few other non kundalini yogis. They all seem to say that once you stop physical indulgence cent percent, the sexual impulse interiorises in your mind and thoughts. Once you drive it out of your mind, it still squirms in your feelings/subconscious(my own level) and when driven out of here, it survives as a “preference” in the physical body itself(driving it out of the pure body connsciousness, is one of the 1st steps towards tantric transformation of the body, sometimes called Kaya siddhi).

              Here, when sex survives in subconscious feelings level, it can still cause wetdreams if the sexual abstinence at physical level is total,, even from masturbation. I stopped having my rare wetdreams more than an year ago, but this was only after some profound progress in meditation. Now my feelings get coloured with sex extremely lightly , if I don’t wanna feel sexual.

              So in context of above, my core question is: did you experience No-wetdream phase when not masturbating ?(assuming you are celibate these days, and spent any significant period without masturbation).

              • Arpan says:

                Or* in any period of time when you had no sex(and no masturbation)

              • Illuminatus says:

                No wet dreams, even during periods of no masturbation. In sex dreams the energy is sublimated into an intense “feeling high” which is non-local (so not in the genitals).

                • Arpan says:

                  Okay! This seems to align with what I had on mind. Hope you have incorporated some explanation of mechanics in your guide, would love to read this stuff from your lens.

      • FirstTimeCommenter says:

        Thanks a lot for the detailed and open reply!
        Very, very helpful!

        „Depends how you count it. Dick-in-vagina is 18, but if you add in all the blowjobs, other weird sexual acts and near-misses due to being too drunk to get hard (i.e. trying to put toothpaste back in the tube) then it’s more like 25. I think if a woman is completely willing, naked in bed, and you just fuck it up at the last minute due to some minor problem with your dick then you should probably get half a point for that.“

        Hell yes, you should 😉
        By the way, I think that is pretty much the ideal number, especially if reached with decent women (both looks- and personality-wise). I for some reason always thought of you as a male 9 with 50 to 100 lays, LOL.

        „To get that rush – the excitement of doing something potentially dangerous – you have to forget you’re the infinite omnipotent universe and believe you’re a human and that risk is waiting for you.“

        That’s probably why I never really got that much sex net of seeing hookers (just one “lay”): I’m risk averse as fuck and can’t open up to life’s spontaneity.

        By the way, these kind of statements are the reason, why I love your blog so much! Brilliant!

  5. James says:

    I’ve always been able to say pretty much anything to anyone and not have them get mad, or even laugh about.

    I remember hitting on this girl, just super super sexually “Oh, well if you bend over to pick up that, I’m going to have to stay seated because of my giant hardon, did I mention giant?” and we laughed about it.

    She told me, whenever I said stuff like that, it never made her uncomfortable, but when other guys would, she’d be running towards the hills.

    I thought about it for a bit, and decided it’s because when I say or do anything really, none of it matters to me. I’m just having fun and don’t care. And not like.. a look-at-how-cool-I-am way, just… who gives a shit? move about your day until yous dead.

    One of the ones that really amuses me, is talking to a girl and when a third party enters, finding a reason to let everyone know, that this girl has a giant cock, just like “you may see she kinda waddles a little when she walks, its because she has a giant dick, I mean really it’s terrifying and makes me feel small”

  6. Varun says:

    Tying this back to a forum post..probably best to build an identity that is accepted for being “yourself” and achieving some level of basic competence before integrating non compliance yeah?

    • Illuminatus says:

      >Tying this back to a forum post..probably best to build an identity that is accepted for being “yourself” and achieving some level of basic competence before integrating non compliance yeah?

      Yes and no.

      At its most basic level, non-compliance is called “having a personality”. The most boring people are those who always do exactly what is expected of them, never take any risks in their personality, and always stick to what’s been done a thousand times before. This is like the relative who, at a family dinner, walks into the room and says, “Dinner… is… served!” in a funny voice, as if no one’s ever done that before. Then later they’ll hold a car door open for a woman and say, “Lady, your carriage awaits!” then stand there like they’re waiting for a toffee. Everyone wants to blow that guy’s brains out.

      Then you have people who use the same jokes they’ve heard on TV. “That’s what she said!” They think it’s a bit edgy because it involves sex, but it’s not edgy because they’re sticking to a script used by everyone who doesn’t want to risk making up their own material and failing with it.

      So, to simply put yourself out there involves a modicum of non-compliance.

      On the other hand, I think you’re probably picturing someone with zero social skills behaving “non-compliantly” (their version of what they interpreted from this post, and from the billion others written on PUA forums over the years) and doing something legitimately mental and so uncalibrated that they come off insane rather than simply irreverent. That definitely happens – A LOT. The problem is, they don’t know what “compliance” looks like in the first place since they’re always a little bit off anyway. To them, I would recommend they just go and work in an office for a year till they’re confident they’re capable of doing everything socially right (attaining a kind of baseline for social acceptance). Then they can practise minor non-compliance on their weekends. (By the way, I was pretty bad when I first started.)

      So that’s a matter of becoming SOCIALIZED before choosing to become non-compliant. It is true that many guys finding PUA stuff aren’t socialized first. They are kind of “feral” in their minds, and many think they don’t actually NEED to develop socialization first. They are wrong. They do. But something like working in an office without trying to be a smartarse will hammer most people into a socially-acceptable shape fairly quickly.

  7. rick says:

    Can someone recommend a good guided meditation for doing Metta? are there any other good sources?

  8. Kevin says:

    I have wild swings in how attractive I am to women. There are days that I can look any woman on the street in the eye and receive eye contact back. I get checked out left and right. I can strike up a conversation with no anxiety and with no effort it becomes super flirty. I can get phone numbers, dates etc. easily. Then I have those days that I can barely open my mouth and speak. I feel like I repulse women. So needy to receive just a little bit of attention. These swings used to really fuck with me.

    Then I realized it comes down to my mood. If I’m already happy or euphoric I can attract women. But then I had experiences where I was super angry and was getting checked out even more than when I was happy.

    I’ve come to realize that being attractive comes down to two factors:
    1- How at ease you are with your experience now -> Acceptance/Being present -> Love -> Relating to Comfort (in MM PUA lingo)
    2- How at ease you are to impose your will on the experience -> Non compliance -> Will power -> Relating to Attraction (in MM PUA lingo)

    Now my main task is to solve the apparent contradiction between these two states. Why would I impose my will if I’m comfortable with a situation?

    • Illuminatus says:

      That’s a really great summary Kevin, and I would suggest that the resolution to that issue lies in one word: CREATIVITY.

      So, a starting point may be the question, “What is the most fun I can have with this?”

      And bear in mind that YOUR fun can be THEIR fun. My major sticking point “back in the day” was getting too lost in fucking with people for my own amusement (and to hell with them), but I have developed a lot more empathy since then and now know I can make it fun for everyone, despite still being NON-COMPLIANT.

      Here’s an example. I was on holiday in Berlin a few weeks ago and my brother invited one of his female friends out to join us, who was absolutely lovely and fantastic. But they were having some sort of ultra-mild Autumn, an Indian summer really, and it was 24°C the whole time I was there. She started fanning herself with a café menu and said, “I’m hot.” My buddy said, “You’re okay…” I said, “Five out of ten.” She gave us an OMG face then we played with her like a cat with a string the rest of the night, moving her up or down the scale if she was “good”.

      Love everyone, but impose your will in order to make things even more fun. Use creativity for this (challenge yourself to see how fun you can make it).

      • Kevin says:

        I remember in your most recent post about magick, you mentioned humour to be a precursor to magick.

        Let’s use Aleister Crowley’s definition of magick: “the Science and Art of causing Change to occur in conformity with Will”. This means Will, Non-Compliance and Magick are related concepts.

        If we take humour to be a subset of fun, this implies that fun is the primary emotion the quantum field (the void, the feminine) responds to in order for magick to occur.

        This explains why RSD preaches self-amusement for pick up. But as you said self-amusement could easily lead to trolling. Because it implies the duality of self vs other. There is no self separate from the other. This means that a general intention for increasing fun is Will’s biggest ally.

  9. Illuminatus says:

    EDIT 10/11/2018

    I completely forgot the section on Female Preselection. This has now been inserted as point #3!

  10. Blues says:

    love your website but this is all too complicated
    As long as we practice AWA should’t we be at ease with ourselves, accept who we are and not care about getting women?
    Lately I feel like I lost all interest to be social and just be myself. Just existing.
    I talk back to people at work but don’t initiate talking.

    Rose tinted metta made me feel like a pushover hippy, men found me nice women thought I was creepy.

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